Relative’s spouse cheated on them: should I tell that I suspected?
A relative just found out that their spouse has been cheating on them for a few years with more than one person. A few years back this cheater made some sexually explicit and suggestive remarks to me. I passed it off as joking, then ended the conversation and had no further contact with the cheater unless their spouse (my relative) was present. I was afraid to tell my relative at the time, because I was not sure if the person was just being flirty/jokey; afraid of the "shoot the messenger" syndrome; afraid that I would be ruining someone’s life/marriage if it was not warranted, etc. Now the relative knows that their spouse is a cheater and is getting divorced. I’m feeling guilty now for not saying something about the cheater’s behavior sooner; I did not know that their spouse was a cheater, but obviously their remarks to me made me uncomfortable and made me suspect that if I had responded in kind, they probably would have cheated and might possibly be cheating with other people. I feel now that telling the relative might have alerted them to their spouse’s infidelity a long time ago. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but now I’m feeling conflicted. Should I confess now that their spouse was apparently coming on to me? Or would that just make this person feel worse? Is it better to continue to not say anything? I’m also slightly worried that when the divorce gets underway the cheater might get nasty and decide to get some barbs in and try to be hurtful and might throw this incident out there. Help!
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Tagged with: barbs • cheater • divorce • doing the right thing • infidelity • long time • marriage • quot
Filed under: Infidelity Warning Signs
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sweetie, in my opinion and experience it is better not to say a word, for so many reasons..yes you are right, for starters it may make the person feel worse, or even insecure..it just adds another mental image in their head that they don’t need..they have a large enough plate as it is. however, if they already had their suspicions and ask you if you knew anything, don’t lie..tell exactly what happened and what your thoughts were at that time. as far as it becoming an "ace in the sleeve" during the divorce, i would not worry about that..i am sure the cheater has enough evidence against them..besides, they lied for this much time, what makes anyone think the relative is going to believe them at all? i think it is better to let sleeping dogs lie and roast in their own oven (or hell) this is a hard situation sweetie, but just be strong, both for yourself and for your relative..they are hurting and need all the support they can get right now. i hope this helps
*hugs*
No do not tell your relative. That will only further hurt him/her and you would be wise to be supportive and leave it at that.
The cheater has all ready been exposed,there is no need to stab a dead horse!
Do not tell this story unless you think it will help the victim of the infidelity. I don’t see how it can help, it will only hurt as best as I can tell from your description.
if you feel the need to tell them do it. but it usually depends on their personality.so if it won’t cause a big fuss or you like the drama go right ahead
The Truth will set you free.
you were right to stay out of it the first time.. don’t get involved now either, unless the relative asks you..then you should gently tell the truth. If the cheater tries to sling you in the mud with him/her, don’t worry..no one in their right mind would condem you for minding your own business.
yes is you love someone you shall tell them.so they don’t continue to be a fool, two year is a long time so 9 out of 10 they already know and already hurting over it. and don’t know what to do.
Well you said you didn’t know if they were joking or not.
But then you turn around and say they were not joking.
If it makes you feel better, tell that you were not sure if it was a joke, but he did make a pass at you.
I don’t see how this will help her out any at all.
But like you say, if he throws it out there,???
Duhhh.
Whats the matter, were you leading him on or what?
If it was just him, he would not just throw it out there.
That’s the part where you seem to have some guilt in this matter.
Leave it be.
Your relative knows about it now and has made the choice to end the marriage. Telling now would make your relative think you were hiding something. It takes two to cheat and although the cheater made explicit remarks to you , there was no cheating involved. Knowing that the person did eventually cheat and got caught shows your feelings about them were right, but had you been wrong and said something, it could have caused problems for you and both of them. Maybe even before any cheating had actually been done. It’s better your relative found out on their own instead of hearing it from you.
Ahhh screw it. It would just depend on what kind of mood I was in when the conversation got brought up.
Usually I would say keep your nose out of it HOWEVER sometimes ppl need re-enforcement to FULLY get out that door.
Do NOT think you will be doing her a favor by telling her this information. If anything she will pull further away from you due to the embarrassment of the whole situation. Do not think she has been blind all these years, it may have just gotten so much worse, and his treatment towards her so much worse that she has decided to leave. If this incident happened years ago I’m sure your just one of hundreds of incidents that he put out there to see if he could snag someone. In his eyes you were not ’special’, just another conquest. Don’t get mixed up in a divorce in your family, for all you know they could reconcile and how wonderful would that make you feel at family events.