Just found out my husband of 16 years has been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend…?
We got together when we were 18. He was with this girl for 3 years and broke up with her to be with me. He always told me that he regretted how he broke up with her, that the relationship was over but he wished he could have done it better. So here we are 16 years and 3 kids later and we were in a bad spot in our relationship so he called her and they decided to be together. She is also married with 3 kids, btw. I feel that this is just a repeat of how we got together. In the past 3 years he has had kidney cancer (which they got out with surgery), had a couple of hospitaliztions for PE’s so has to be on blood thinners the rest of his life. As a result he was medically released from the military. He was a career military man. We had to move back home which neither of us wanted to do. He is constantly tired and irritable and closed off. Which to me are classic signs of depression. I have asked him many times to go get evaluated but he refuses. So to me, this thing with his ex is a manifestaion of of the depression because to him, she represents an easier time in his life and it makes him feel better. My question is what can I do to prove that I want him with me and our kids? Do I just give him some time and hopefully he will wake up? People will just say that he is a guy and this is what they do. My husband is not that guy. I told him that I thought I would cheat before him because this is not at all him. I refuse to give up on us so I need some unbiased thoughts! Thanks!!
Just to clear up something, I found out that he was with her and he told me that he had slept with her. That night I kicked him out. Because of my work schedule, he comes over and keeps the kids in the evening. As far as the I would cheat before you statement, my dad cheated on my mom and I found out when I was 14 and had to tell her. So he has always known that I was completely against that. When I said my statement he said something like, "This just isn’t the way I behave, It just isn’t me" re: the affair. So I said "I know, I thought If either of us cheated it would be me not you." basically telling him how much I knew this behavior is not him. Also if we do get back together, he wouldn’t move back in until we go to counseling for a while because if it does not work out, I don’t want our children even more confused. Thanks for all the opinions!!
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Tagged with: 3 years • blood thinners • career military man • Cheating Girlfriend • classic signs • dad • ex girlfriend • Husband Cheating • kidney cancer • mom • relationship • signs of depression
Filed under: Catch A Cheater
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Good for you for wanting your marriage to work… however, it seems like this marriage was originally built on "unstable" ground right from the start. Your relationship started off with the he-said, she-said triangle-relationship thing, then there was the not so confident phrase of " I thought I would cheat before him…" as if cheating was expected, or worse, permitted. You have also made excuses in his behalf for his behavior, which has subconsciously given him permission to screw up. This marriage has been going on for 16yrs without any boundaries and no firm consequences for any "deal breakers," and even as I read you still didn’t lay out any consequences for him! Instead you want him back no questions asked. Wow. Nothing is going to change, especially his self-esteem. Sometimes men are like little boys who actually look for a mate who can "lay down the law" and keep them in line. For some, this works, but for me I would want a mate who could discipline himself, by himself.
If you want him to come crawling back, kick his sick butt to the curb and he will suddenly appreciate you…. even start getting excited by you and your "new assertiveness" which these types of dudes find attractive.
The only problem you’ll have once he comes back is the same ol problem you’ve had for 16yrs, so expect this sick cycle to continue.
Your only other alternative would be to do some personal homework as to why you allow yourself to always be second best and do something about it, including possibly changing mates to seek out a healthy relationship.
Sorry, but my only advice is to leave him.
what i dont understand is why in the world you would build a life with a man who straight up told you he wished he could have built that life with his ex.
i highly doubt this is the first time he has cheated on you. you need to just let him go and divorce him. adultery is unforgivable in my eyes
you both need to get into counseling
talk to a professional about it,
like a pyscologist, because clearly he has some kind of depression/mental unrest
but otherwise, just carry on being a loving wife,
& hopefully it will all get better.
he’s lucky to have someone so understanding as you
good luckk,
stay strong
xx
call doctor phill
I feel for you in this unfortunate predicament . Whether your husband was 25yrs Old or disabled there is no EXCUSE whats so ever to JUSTIFY what he has done . If you have been faithful and kept your part through his sickness and health you owe it to yourself to save your sanity and divorce him accordingly . What kind of crap is next ? Good luck
Your husband is cheating on you, and you’re asking if you should "just give him some time"??? What is wrong with you? You absolutely need to put your foot down about this - it is time to exercise the nuclear option and open up a major can of whoopass on him, because he needs to be fully made aware of the seriousness of his misbehavior!
you can over analyze ‘cheating’ until you turn blue, but reality is, that he boned her, most likely just because he could.
you need to let go of this bs and go forward.
File for divorce on grounds of adultery. He’ll either come crying back and beg for forgiveness - it’s your choice to open that door…OR, he’ll go through with the divorce and move on with his life. Unfortunately there isn’t much else you can do to force his hand…
Good luck!
1 thing is finding out he CHEATED as in once….but it sounds like he was having an affair….so you honestly think this is the first time I mean for her to be just as ready to leave her spouse….and not to be mean but you have obviously had to put up with a lot with him being sick n all and its just not fair to you….you need to focus on yourself and find someone who can see your true value….live your life now since you been stuck with his problems for years
Leave him……. Don’t think he’s sorry… i’m sure he was enjoying himself while he was having sex with her…. Don’t think he was thinking of you at that moment.
Wake up… make the hard decision.. gather your things and the kids and take off.
Sounds like you just married him for the millitary benefits he would get/have.
You may refuse to give up, but unfortunately, you can’t fix this all by yourself; he has to recognize that this affair may be filling certain needs for him other than romance and want to find another way to do that. I would ease off on the depression diagnoses for a bit, since it’s probably making you seem more like a mother than a wife, but talk to him about how you feel and let him know that you know it’s not easy right now but that you love him and want to make this work, whatever that will take. Whether or not he listens is up to him.
Leave him….
he regretted how he broke up -not the fact that they broke up, I understand.
it’s easy, you go to where she is and confront her, people do not want to be exposed.
she is married? talk to her husband, you’ve got to do the leg work.
this is the first thing i would do,
but my husband’s ho is in the mideast.
no, i wouldn’t give it time, too much can happen.
I’m really sorry this happened! But you’re making a very common error in logic here and you almost sound in denial.
Whether or not he’s depressed has nothing to do with his choice to cheat. It’s a bit dangerous to think this way, because it gives you an easy excuse for it, when in actuality the explanation isn’t easy and hits far closer to home. I also disagree that "people will say this is what guys do". Not people in my life!
To be honest, I don’t think you’re seeing the seriousness of this (or it could be the way you phrased it). Your husband has tossed your marriage vows out the window, put you in the worst place a wife can be in, and put his kids family life in jeopardy. So it sounds a bit off when you say your husband "isn’t that guy". He’s exactly that guy.
I’m not sure what I’d do if this happened to me, but I’m guessing I’d file for divorce. This isn’t something I could get past, and that goes triple when kids are involved.
he has lost his career, his place in the world, his pride, his health, and has had to accept being less than what he was with the threat at all times that he could have a recurrence of cancer.
he is turning to her because that is where he finds comfort. and understanding. and you are right, sister, a place where he is young and perfect and all of the trouble is somewhere else
you say you just found out. what did you find out? that he was just talking to her? i talk to almost every guy i ever dated and i have been married 30 years. my husband talks regularily to his ex wife, and most of his old girlfriends. it means nothing at all. the internet has me in touch with everyone, even you here right now.
at this point, i would suggest you find out exactly what is going on, in a calm way, and what this woman means to him. if she is an old friend, i dont see the harm in him talking to her and her being a supportive friend to him, and to you. have her over for dinner and get to know her.
what i am trying to say, dear, is that a vote for her is not neccessarily a vote against you. you have faced the threat of death and birth and moving and life together, he and this other old friend have never so much as paid a bill together. as the other very wise poster below me has said, keep your dignity and your peace of mind, you are the wife, you have power and position and a place. her place is a fantasy, you are the reality. make that reality as nice as you can for all of you, you too have lost much, i find you brave and admire you.
i have a feeling everything is gonna be ok. you two are nice people. i am rooting for you.
No cheating, even though he beat you to it. Get help for yourself to sort this thing out. He’s faced a terrible illness and he’s lost his job, but you and your children have also been very much affected by what has happened. Keep your dignity and your head high. If it takes time to heal this thing then you need to come through with your morals intact. How much time, that’s up to you, because at some point if he does not come around you will have to make a life for yourself and your children. Then you will be free to do what you want because it will be right.
You’re in a denial. That’s normal, but once a cheater will always be a cheater, if not with his ex, will be with somebody else. It’s up to you that you want to drag you pain.
Did you just excuse his cheating because he could be depressed? How does she remind him of a happier time? With her own husband and three kids? What? This is why they say that love blinds us, to what we either don’t want to see or emotionally cant see. Give him time to do what? More of the ex-girlfriend? You are refusing to give up the idea of the life that you wanted with him, not on ‘US’. Who is us? Both of the families that are being cheated on? Then call the womans husband and move in together…otherwise refuse to give up on your healthy future with your kids. Being ill or disabled is not an excuse to cheat on your wife of 16 years? If anything its an excuse to appreciate the one who has been there with you through the good and bad….do you feel appreciated?
Trying reallly hard not to be biased here, but I think your looking for validation to stay with someone who doesn’t deserve you. What can you do to prove that you want him? omg? Why do you have to prove anything? Are you cheating with the ex? Shouldn’t he be proving things to you? I don’t know what guy you think your husband is..but if it looks like a duck sweetie, there is a 100% chance that its a damn duck……
It’s funny because the majority of your statement is sound psychology, but at the very end there you say, "I told him that I thought I would cheat before him because this is not at all him." which makes you come off as inconsiderate. If you actually made that statement to your husband, how secure would you think that would make him feel in the relationship? Especially if the man does have depression, don’t ever insinuate to that individual that he has something to feel insecure about.
This is in no way your fault. It’s just not necessarily his fault either. He definitely should’ve sought different channels for escaping his problem/your argument/etc. etc.
I guess the only thing left is, how serious was your "bad spot" that you were in? If he was kicked out of the house by you, then I consider that NOT his fault. It was him dealing with his insecurities. If it was a mutually bad spot or his fault, then I say it’s time to seek a divorce attorney. Remember, once an individual cheats, EVEN ONCE, it will always always ALWAYS be easier for them to do it again. They will justify it by saying "I’m already a bad person for having done this once". Marriage and children or not, you still have yourself to think about.
Do you realize that men being on blood thinners lessons their chances of an erection!
Depression is a terrible thing to have, as you hit the nail on the head - he’s constantly tired & irritable, along with flying off the handle at nothing.Medication helps control it, but it doesn’t go away, as it remains with you for zonks
I’d imagine he’s not bonking her, but getting sympathy, which is more of what he’s after from the previous g/f
He’ll probably be back when he’s ready, but not if you keep pushing as you could actually drive him away!
Be patient, till he’s good & ready
Cheers & good luck !!
Since you refuse to leave him, move his g/f in. That’ll cheer him up.
If you don’t want to give up on your marriage then I would just hold on, because they always come back when they grow tired of who they are with. He sounds really depressed and depression can cause a man to cheat and seek someone who makes them feel better for the moment. It wasn’t my ex husband either, because He just never showed any of the signs of being a cheater, in fact he looked down on others who cheated. But one day he came HOME and asked for a divorce, of course i was hurt, but he continued to stay with the other woman and I had to make a decision. I chose divorce because the other was just way too painful to deal with. My ex did try to make contact but by then I had begun a new life with a new husband. But had I waited he would have come home, but at what cost would it have been to me emotionally?
You cant and do not have to prove anything, he needs to get his head on straight, this has nothing to do with you
Cheating usually has nothing to do with the partner at all. It has everything to do with cheater and where his head is at. If he has no respect for you he is going to cheat, his respect for you seldom has anything to do with you. Usually they dont respect themselves and they may try and blame that on you or on a million other things. Self respecting men dont cheat.
that is just horrible!