when you truly, hopelessly love your spouse and they cheat where do you go from there?
I suspected he had cheated, but was not sure. We were having a matter of fact conversation and I simply asked about someone he had been with before he and I got together. well, he says when, years ago? My response was no, yesterday totally not expecting him to say yes. I am in shock and at a loss as what to do.
He and I had a great intimate and very uninhibited sex life. By that I mean we have discussed bringing other people in our bedroom. on one occasion we did. All was well after that we both enjoyed it and their were no problems. we both agreed when we got married to be honest about our fantasies and desires. Now i feel that honesty was like asking to be put on the devil’s dance card. understand this episode of his was nit with my consent and was behind my back. He would have never offered the information. I am crushed and do not know what to do. I am a widow who has gone through the utmosy devaststion before and i just don’t know if I am up to another heart break. help!
thanks beach baby for your candor, but it has always been my idea that we can not deny who we are. to do that would not be fair to the ones we love or ourselves and if both spouses consent to an addition in their bed then where is the cheating? both parties are there and have said this is acceptable it is when one ventures off in deceit that it becomes wrong. he referred to it as going behind my back.
With all due respect PETER I’m not preverted nor is my marriage. when agreements or rules are set why should they be broken? I kept up my end of the deal. This person was shady and had an agenda that was evil. i had been invited. i am upset that had i not stumbled upon this information it would have forever remained a secret. marriage or not is it right to lie to your best friend. you people do not need to be so curt and rude when you have not walked in my shoes i wanted advice not judgement.
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Tagged with: beach baby • best friend • candor • dance card • deceit • desires • devil • due respect • Episode 111 • fantasies • heart break • honesty • judgement • love • marriage • matter of fact • secret marriage • sex life • shock • shoes • uninhibited sex
Filed under: Infidelity Warning Signs
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Well, I am not sure if I understand the way you stated it. Was he being serious? Or did you take a joke too seriously?
If you feel that way about him, there are two options.
First, if you really want/need him in your life, you can forgive him if he is willing to clean his act up. However, know that many people who cheat, cheat again. Simply because if they know that they could disrespect you that way and get away with it… what keeps them from doing it again?
Second, leave him. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Move out/kick him out and get on with your life. Feel lucky that you found out now rather than much later and move on.
However, no matter how much I love someone… cheating is unacceptable. I would leave that person in a heartbeat because I don’t deserve someone do to something like that to me.
Do you deserve that?
*Once a cheater…always a cheater….DIVORCE HIM!
_______
*NO WAIT….
OK…NOW THAT I HAVE SEEN YOUR ADDITIONAL COMMENTS…IT’S YOUR FAULT TOO MY FRIEND! YOU SHARED YOUR HUSBAND SEXUALLY WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOW YOUR MAD AT HIM FOR CHEATING ON YOU?….GET A CLUE SUSAN! YOU HAVE CHEATED ON HIM JUST THE SAME BY HAVING ANOTHER PERSON IN YOUR MARRIAGE BED. YOU ARE JUST AS GUILTY OF ADULTERY AS YOUR HUSBAND IS! YOU’VE PRACTICALLY GIVEN HIM PERMISSION TO GO OUTSIDE OF YOUR MARRIAGE BY ALLOWING HIM TO BE WITH ANOTHER PERSON SEXUALLY IN THE FIRST PLACE…YOU PRESENT OR NOT!
Do you understand the concept of marriage? Didn’t you two say "forsaking all others" when you took your vows before God? You truly, hopelessly love your spouse and you both slept with another together?…Find God. You don’t have God in your marriage and it is sure to fail. You and your husband need to go together and talk to a priest or preacher and seek marriage counseling therein.
Good luck Susan…I really hope you can turn this around and I apologize for being so blunt…I just want you to see the light and I truly wish you the best!
______
*Thank you Susan for appreciating my candor..I hope you can bare with me for some more….
OK…to continue….
An "open marriage" is not a marriage AT ALL.
It is an oxymoron….
Why did you get married in the first place if you were not going to cling to each other forsaking all others? Makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever to me. Yes, you two are consenting adults…consenting to mortal sin. Where is the cheating? Right in front of you…you both did it to each other by being with someone else in a sexual way. That is cheating…just because you said "it’s ok honey" doesn’t mean that in God’s eyes you wern’t commiting adultery. In most people’s eyes…you were commiting adultry. (Adultery is the voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and another person who is not his or her spouse) (Adultery is also referred to as extramarital sex or infidelity) Value yourself more than that. If you let him be with someone else…why would’nt he think that it was to OK to do it again. Why ask your permission? Your marriage is open to anything and you have unlocked the door yourself. Well the Y-O-U has let him know that you are OPEN! He is no more guitlty of adultry than you are. You are the pot calling the kettle black. Sure…he was sneaky about it…did he deceive you? How could he if you have an ‘OPEN MARRIAGE"? You deceived him too! You were right in front of him with another person besides him/your husband in a sexual manner.
So now do you want to put limitations on your so called "open marriage"? If there are going to be limits and boundries and commitments and expectations ….then that is generally called a marriage. Not an open marriage. 2 completely different things.
If you are going to save your marriage…devote your lives to each other again and this time…forsaking all others. Renew your marriage vows…this time listen to them carefully and take them seriously. But…..If you want to continue on this road of destruction…you can keep that open mind of yours going and just ask his new sexual partner to join the two of you in your marriage bed…
Whew!…OK…hope you can work all of this out! Best Wishes!
I am totally so deeply in love with my husband. my bestfriend asked me what i would do if he cheated, i said i would forgive him, then she said would you leave if he did it again, and i said probably not if it was a really long time after the first incident, i said the only thing that would make me leave is if he started doing it on a regular basis, I would probably leave when I just couldnt stand it anymore. thats the truth, from a woman in love with her husband like you seem to be in love with yours, i’m so sorry
Just ask him if he has cheated with this person. He has already admitted seeing her. Ask him where you stand. Tell him if the marriage vows he took with you means anything to him. You need to start looking for clues of cheating. You are the best detective. When you find out, you will either be relieved or you will need to talk to a lawyer. Good luck
get rid of him
Sounds to me like he has already broken your heart and your trust. When you give your all to another and totally believe they too are giving all of themselves and then out of the ‘blue’ you find out that all is not what it appeared to be, it is a betrayal not easily over looked. It was for me anyway. things went in a whole other direction. We became different people and ultimately divorced. I was so lost and misguided. I was alone but surrounded by people. I just couldn’t get passed his lies and explanations. I couldn’t trust or believe him anymore. My skin crawled at the thought of being close. Our son was in the middle and it just got way too toxic. It wasn’t me who filed for the divorce, it was him. It was me who lost control and spun beyond any imagination.
I wish you the best from today forward. I had thought I was strong, but with this- I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t get past him having sex with another.
my hubby cheated on me and i forgave him, but i know for a fact if he did it again i would leave him, its hard to recover from a betrayal so i wouldnt do it twice,
talk to him about it then decide what you want to do.
What are you upset about?
That he didn’t invite you?
That he lied?
What?
Basically I am understanding that your relationship was a preverted, open, marriage, and neither of you cared or respected it.
So, now, what are you upset about?
And after you can answer this for yourself, is a start as to how to communicate it with your husband
Close the bedroom doors to everyone, everything except your spouse.