My Wife Cheated on Me, Long Story?
Around 2:15 this afternoon, my wife came into our living room where I was reading and told me she had something to tell me. At first I thought she got fired or something but when she began to tear up I began to think of other more serious stuff, if she was pregnant again or maybe she was seriously sick or a family member of her or mine had died. Instead, she informed me that she had cheated on me twice with the same man.
It happened over the summer, I took our three daughters to visit my parents out of state and she stayed behind because she couldn’t get off work. During the two weeks our daughters and I were gone she had slept with a co-worker twice. I will admit that at that time we were going through a sort of "dry spell." However, I don’t justify it and I assumed all married people with kids go through them at times and don’t cheat. I have been married to this woman for 18 years and I don’t know what to do.
I love her so deeply and the fact that she could hurt me as well as our girls like this breaks my heart. I always thought that if I was cheated on I would simply end the relationship but we have children together and in all honesty I saw myself growing old with this woman and being at her side until the end. We first met in college and I know that it has been a long time to be devoted to one person but most married people tend to do 50+ years without any adultery.
She began to cry after telling me. At first I thought it was a prank but when she began to apologize so frantically I got up and went for a drive. I don’t know what to do or how to tell our girls. I don’t even feel like talking to anyone, that’s probably why I’m on here right now instead of talking to my parents, brother, or a friend. I know it takes a much stronger person to forgive than to simply call it quits but I….. I just don’t know what to do. I never would have suspected her of cheating and I will say that since she confessed I know that she feels guilt for what she has done.
What the hell should I do?
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Tagged with: 18 years • adultery • brother • co worker • dry spell • family member • girls • guilt • heart • hell • honesty • living room • long time • parents • relationship • serious stuff • three daughters • Wife Story
Filed under: Catch A Cheater
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Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sure, she cried her big "alligator tears" today, but if you forgive her, and try to keep the marriage going, she will do it again. They ALWAYS do, sooner or later! It hurts to get a divorce, but if you try to continue on, it will eat at you like cancer every day of your life! Do what you have to do, tomorrow! Call your lawyer!
Tell her she has to quit. In both senses.
First of all there’s no reason to tell your daughters about this. This is between you and your wife. My father womanized with everything that moved at one point, and I can honestly tell you I wish I didn’t know.
Secondly, your wife told you herself and she clearly feels guilt. I’m not one to say if you should take her back or divorce her, but maybe this is a good opportunity to see a marriage counselor. There are probably deeper issues here.
I’ll grant you this, no matter what you decide:
SHE WILL NEVER "CHEAT" ON YOU AGAIN.
Good luck in making this difficult decision.
Once a cheater,always a cheater.
Get counseling because I’m sure you don’t want to split yet because you love her so much. It’s going to take some time, but if she’s sincere, she won’t mind working it out. Good Luck!
It depends what you both want, from this point on.
She told you. Sounds like she’s ready to have a new beginning, if you are able to forgive.
Wait until you get the complete truth!!! you will know what to do then!!!!
depending on your feeling of if she could ever possibly cheat on u again and that u do have three kids together if u can forgive her u should stay together if u guys will get along at least for the children i think that u should also get her tested for any std for your sake
18 years is too long to throw in the towel for one mistake. It says a lot that she came out and told you. Not condoning the cheating, but you would of never known. But, because she does love you so much it was eating away at her. She probably hates herself for what she did. You sound like a very nice guy. I would try anything and every thing to keep this marriage going.
Just keep your girls out of it. The good thing about it that she felt guilty
enough to tell you about it. If I was you I would sit down and have a long
talk with your wife. I know it hurts knowing that she did this but she admitted
her wrong doing. Takes time to heal. Pray on it. Forgive your wife and move on.
First she needs to break it off with this coworker and start looking for a new job. Second you need to call a marriage counselor and get in there fast. Third, ask questions and demand answers. Fourth, don’t ever let her blame you for this. There may have been problems in your marriage but that does not justify cheating. It is a selfish mean thing to do to someone you care about. Tell someone close to you so you have someone who know what you are going to. Someone you can trust that will not tell you what to do but instead listen to you. Cry, get angry and then honestly tell yourself if you can stay with this woman. It is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in a marriage. And don’t expect to forgive anytime soon. You are a human being who has feelings and you need time to heal. Good luck in whatever decision you make.
Imagine for a minute you were in her shoes. I realize you wouldn’t cheat on her, but sounds to me like she is sorry. I’m sure you’ve done bad things to people, stupid things even. You would seek for forgiveness. You need a long talk with her, make sure her heart is with you and not that other guy. Tell her how angry and hurt you are, and forgive her. It’s hard to do right now, but don’t give up!
At least not now.
And don’t tell the kids
Obviously she feels guilty for what she has done, anyone would. She should feel ashamed, disgusted with herself. A husband who loves her and beautiful daughters, a job. she has everything going for her, and messed it up. Honestly, things will never be the same again. You will never trust her, you will love her again but you will never forget it, and a part of you will always play back the scene. Her looking into his eyes, flirting with him, kissing his lips while undoing his belt buckle, smiling laughing, taking off her clothes and his. Not only did she not feel horrible the first time, but she had the guts to go back and do it again! Your own wife, getting pounded by another guy, screaming out his name, moaning for him. How dare she. This is rude and disrespectful towards you, but it is the truth. This is the truth.
Obviously, it isnt true love. You arnt soul mates. Im not saying you dont love each other, because you do, i mean how could you not after 18 years together! daughters! your whole life spent with this woman! but this is the only life you get. After you die, would you look back and say..im glad i spent my only life with this woman.. she was worth it?
You do love her. but wouldnt you always wonder, would you really want to die without meeting your true soul mate. A soul mate would never, never after even 50 years, have anyone else on their mind, let alone kiss someone else, sleep with them, and then think it was so good to do it again.
I know, hardest thing you could ever do in your entire life, everything will change.. but someday you will meet somebody who will make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. And that person is your soulmate…
its your call.. but the best choices in life are the hardest..
I know this is a tough situation and if it were me I’d probably want to leave too. This was a one-time affair (its not like it went on for months or years) and given that you have been married for 18 years and have 3 daughters together, I would try and work it out. Seek marriage counseling first.
This has been eating at her for a long time. I guess that is why she felt she had to tell you. I’m sure that it will take some time to sink in, and find your feelings about it all. I don’t see any reason to drag the children into it - at least not now.
I suggest that the two of you get into some couples counseling right away to get some help working through it. Many people can get pretty weird when this happens if they get into their own heads too much. Where things will go from here depends a lot on the two of you.
I see guilt and regret on her part. That should count for something. I see shock and sadness on your part. Expect to feel a great deal more as you work through this. Good luck.
Breath
sit with your pain quietly
Breath
say hello, i see you, make room for it
Breath
the answers will come to you if you stay in the NOW
Yes, and the guilt was eating her up but that doesn’t help to know when you turn your back, she could be doing your neighbor. Is she really sorry and can prove herself to be trustworthy? So she cried and is miserable. She should be, she’s cheated on you. Now you wonder how long had they been planning, secretly going out, emailing & just talking up the heat til it came to that point? This is so new and too fresh in your mind but do you feel you can recover from the blow? I don’t think things will ever be the same because you had so much invested in the marriage. You learned to work off the ‘dry spell’ and apparently, so did she.
First she’s lying, I gaurantee you she did it more than two times. I give her credit for coming clean and telling you though. I would separate for about a month to get my head together and then I would likely take her back. If she ereally is sorry and sounds like she is, this was a one time deal, don’t let this destroy your marriage… BUT, I will say this. If you stay with her remember this, your wife just gave you a get some azz free card to use whenever you see fit.
Well, I don’t know if you’re Christian or not, but I’ll give you some advice from a Christian’s point of view.
Biblically, you’re only allowed to divorce a spouce when they cheat. So to be totally honest, you have every right to divorce her.
You should always have unconditional love with the woman you’re with, but that does’nt mean having an un-conditional relationship.
On the other hand, (my personal sudgestion) you could confront her, tell her that she really hurt you. Tell that it’ll take a while for you to heal, and it will also take time for her to re-gain your trust. Try some counciling, and talk it out, and don’t be afferaid to open up to her.
Since you have your kids, it’s always best to try to work things for their sakes.
It’ll be hard, I won’t lie. Tell her that you really need to see a change in her, or else it’s over.
Coming from her point of view, since she came to you about it, I would asume that she really is sorry, and not just telling you what you want to hear.
Try to give her a second chance, but don’t let her walk on you. Love her, but understand love does’nt take advantage others.
God bless you dude, and I hope everything works out for two.
Let me ask you a question that’s going to hurt…do you think she shares the same love you speak about all the while she was spreading her legs for the other man? I think you know the answer to this question.
I know it’s not easy to leave but know this: there is another life out there waiting for you and a faithful lady who wants to share it with you. Sounds like you’re in your late 40’s/ which is the new 30’s so you have plenty of time to regroup, rebound, and live happily ever after.
Know that you will grow from this experience and become a stronger person for it. Good luck! Do what you know is right.
hello. well you can either get her out of the house. or you can pack your bags. or try to save this marriage. for the sake of the kids. remember she is the one that messed up. this is not new news. it happens all over. and you know that. i am going to put myself in your shoes. do it for the kids. they are blind as to what happen. good luck.
Firstly don’t tell the kids, in fact don’t tell anyone at all, we are invisible and do not matter so we don’t count. This is between you and your friend, your wife.
Ok so what are your options here, you feel hurt and betrayed and like sh it, emotions apart she seems to be distraught and has lived with this for 6 months, ask her why now and why she told you. Her telling you is quite a selfish act in its self, she could have lived with her mistake.
I can only ask myself what I would do, I am a 44 yr man, divorced with one daughter. The trust has been broken and that is the most difficult thing to rebuild, your angry and numb but you know all relationships go through changes, change is beautiful and normal. You could actually make something positive happen from this instead of thinking in black and white, make or break mentality.
This could actually bring a new stronger emotional bond between you. I would suggest when your ready to give the kids to your parents for a week and have holiday together to see if your still friends, to see if you still want to be together, still have a reason other than the kids to stay together, see if you can rekindle the flame, it will take a big man to do this but the rewards will be wonderful. You have to think back and take your part in being responsible for how the marriage was when she strayed, you can’t just point the finger and tell her to leave. This is an opportunity for you to grow and step up to the plate and see how wise, mature you are. Any idiot can go of the deep end and react to the hurt and pain you feel, but the fact that you have written this very lucid email says to me that your actually quite a with it bloke. If you sit quietly enough alone you will find the right path, it is only change and this change for you both needed to happen, it was bound to happen soon or later,make a good thing happen for you both, grow together, thats where love and forgiveness hides. What is love if it doesn’t get tested from time to time. I wish you the greatest of patience and be gentle with yourself, it hurts but its never about just her.
Dont involve your childeen they are children and should nt be in adutl business atleast just yet. Only if you plan on leavign her. If you forgive her your children may not be so forgiving. I suggest if you love her forgive her work it out . She came to you , you didnt have to find out.
There is nothign wrong with forgiveness. If she does it again though… dump her move along. BEst of luck
to start with how old are the girls? and why would you feel the need to let them know? that is something you and her need to deal with, thats a marriage problem not a "family" problem. I think it would be a very bad idea to let them know anything, it would make them feel like their mom was a bad person (and what they might grow up like) and might end up hating her and or you.
I would look at it like she didnt have to tell you but she felt guilty enough to say something so that right they tells you she is a good person and she loves you. I would seek counseling and work on this marriage. it will take a lot of work form BOTH of yall! I know where I’m form you really dont hear of marriages lasting that long anymore and I think its sad they dont anymore. but it really sounds like she loves you and you really love her and you want to work things out or you wouldn’t be on here or like you said you would have just left her.
18 years together (and I’m guessing happy until now for the most part) isn’t something to to just throw away very easy. Its always worth fighting for and if it doesnt work out then you won’t have any what ifs. good luck and I hope things work out for the best.
The girls should not be told…yet. If you get divorced you can tell them when they are older (adults).
There is life after cheating. I have been married to the same woman for 30 years. We met as kids in church.
I cheated on her 25 years ago and told her a couple of years later because I couldn’t take the guilt any longer. She forgave me. I never cheated again. We had 2 girls and they are adults now. Life has been good.
5 years ago I found out she was cheating on me. I was so torn. It was not "payback" but she had low self esteem issues. I was understanding because I too had been there.
You can take this and make your marriage stronger than ever or you can live together in misery or you can divorce. It will take some talking, understanding, strong will, forgiveness, and honesty. You can servive this if you want to. Or some would say you are justified in kicking her to the curb. People have many reasons for cheating. Maybe it just felt nice to feel desierable to someone else. Not out of anger you should have a sit down talk several times. Don’t say " I can’t believe you would do this" She knows that.
Well at least she came clean…that shows she Really wants to be with you.
18 years is a long time…Try to look at the woman she is. Is she a good mom? giving? caring?, it could be a horrible mistake, and she’ll want to make it up to you– for the rest of her life. But I would understand if you wanted to end it.
I can only say that your are not alone in suffering this pain my friend - many of us have already been through it - and survived! My wife cheated on me during a bad patch in our marriage three years ago and although I forgave her and we stayed together our relationship never really recovered. Once the trust was gone I just couldn’t forget what she had done and my marriage has now ended, with my wife taking the kids and leaving me two weeks ago. Even now although my wife assures me that there is no one else involved and that she is leaving because of things that are lacking in our relationship I am still suspicious. Without trust a relationship is doomed and after cheating the trust vanishes. At one stage it was my wife who was having the trust issues as she just couldn’t believe that I would not cheat on her ‘for revenge’. Anyway, I wish you and your family the best of luck in overcoming this.
There are a lot worse things people do to each other in a marriage than cheating. So start from there.
I would not tell the children. All that does is make the entire family miserable instead of the parents, meaning you two.
The first thing you need to do is figure out why this happened aside from a "dry spell" in the marriage. Its sort of obvious that in an 18 year marriage it takes a great deal of emotional strain to make anyone want to stray outside to find some sort of emotional/sexual fulfillment which is really what happened.
So you need to find out what it is exactly this other man provided to your wife that you weren’t providing and see where you can go from there.
The other thing is that there may have been some sort of breakdown in intimacy or simply put she may no longer be sexually attracted to you. In a lot of long-term marriages the partners are comfortable in their marriage but frustrated in their sex lives. And they are not attracted to each other anymore. This kind of situation flatlines the marriage.
So getting to that part of the relationship is important too.
I would suggest counseling for both of you and individually. The reason why is maybe you two should decide whether you can save your marriage or if its time to split up and move on,.
I hate to say this but being in an unhappy marriage simply because you feel you have to is not right. Life is short and marriage should not be a prison. If the two of you have drifted apart emotionally, intimately, sexually or in other respects it may be healthier to split up and maybe meet the right people to share the rest of your lives with.
Take your time and work through this. The last thing I would recommend doing is making any rash decisions.
If your wife came in and spilled the beans on her affair, its clear that it bothered her enough and she cared for you enough to end the affair in her head as well as in real life.
So just see where its going first and try and find out what you can do.
If you choose to divorce you can work on that with the kids to make it as painless as possible.
Otherwise the people here are all giving you some good pointers.
Give her an ultimatem. Have a long talk with her but hold her tight while you are and tell her how much you love her,but things have to change and she needs to build the trust back up with you. She has the choice of entering into an agreement of loving domestic with rules to be followed and consequences and prilieges taken away. Look up loving domestic discipline and taken in hand and Biblical sayings. The man is the head of the house but he is to love , protect and care for all. So you either put your foot down or one of you leave. And remember hold her and love her through everything..
I’m going through something very similar. There’s a lot of things going through your head and I’m sure one of them is to find that guy. But the truth is, are you ever going to be able to get past this? My wife cheated on my 4 years ago and I still have a hard time dealing with that. Sometimes I’ll look back and wish I had just ended it then. Some people suggest to “forgive and forget”. That’s BS. You may be able to forgive but you’ll never forget and for me anytime I’m gone for an extened period of time that’s always in the back of my head. It will ruin your life unless you are TRULY able to forget. Otherwise everytime you look at her you’ll just remember that incident. I can’t tell you how I feel for you. I’ve been in the military for about 6 years now and this is one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to deal with.
I had a similar situation. I been married for 18 years and after my third baby was born and before she turns forty ,she cheated on me twice. My wife cheated on me after I went out of town with my first born daughter to a youth convention. The first guy was emotional and the second guy was emotional and pshycial .both guy was married with kids and work with her. The first guy broke off the relationship and my wife was crush. But the second guy is a player and always tries to get my wife to go out with him.
She told me the day after coming back with my daughter. She only told me she kiss him. After several month pass she told me the truth that she slept with him. I will never thought that my wife will ever cheated because of her background, she is a Christian woman and a dedicated mother. Between the first time she told me and the second time, she slept with him 3 dozen times. She did everything with him that she was not willing to do with me.
I only had one woman in my whole life and that person is my wife. I will never fully understand her motive for cheating because we both to vows and it is for better or worse. She told me she was feeling lonely and she was craving attention. The two guys gave her a lot of attention that she was looking for. Was not I gave her attention but the attention that she wanted.
There is no excuse for cheating no matter what happen in a marriage but I knew for a wild that she was unhappy but she did not tell me why. Our kids are very happy kids and it because they did not see our faults. So don’t tell your daughter. I forgave my wife and never brought up the affair. I stand by her and she slowly started to come around.
I only show her unconditional love. When she starts to cry about the situation, I tell her everyone makes a mistake. I try to keep everything positive. In time she started to l com around. The quilt and shame she had did not let her love me back.
So try to give her all your surport and you will see a bigger change in her.
First thing is to find out; she needs to explain why she had the affair–what were the issues she had in your marriage that made her decide to be with someone else? She should also agree to marital counseling with you, or at the least some counseling with a priest or a pastor. .
Women are very different from guy. 90 percent is emotional and feeling. If she does not feel you love her for any reason the emotion start up and kick in. Women think with emotion and guy think with their second brain. So don’t try to rationalize too much why she slept with another man and if sex was a factor. Sex for woman start before that act of make love.
Sex it great but that does not determine true love. Different women like to be shown love in different ways, some women like a man to bring them flowers, a box of candy on a special day, to be taken out to dinner. And some women just love their men to spend time with them, painting their toe nails, and making passionate love to them, to make them feel like they are really loved. Maybe this is what’s missing.
You will never fully forget because us guy are territorial by nature. Knowing another man invaded our territory give us great anger. So try not to think about it so much it can destroy you. I do a lot of praying and bible reading. You can do something else. Only know that your wife love you because she confess to you and did not leave you for the other guy.
Life is not that easy and bad thing always happen to good guy, but at the end you will see that for the next 18 year life will dream.
Good luck