i just caught my wife cheating on me. She is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. How do I cope?
She has cheated with a cop in our town, all the while convincing me to be his friend. She also says he assaulted her. She has cheated with several people, in parking lots and storage buildings.
She has since been diagnosed with BPD.
What is the BPD, and what is just cheating? I do love her and want to work it out, but I don’t want to be a sucker, either.
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Tagged with: Borderline Disorder • Borderline Personality Disorder • bpd • Caught Cheating • cop • love • parking lots • storage buildings • sucker • Wife Cheating
Filed under: Catch A Cheater
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This totally makes sense. Borderline Personality Disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a long-term disturbance of personality function. It is typified by disturbance in impulse control and emotional dysregulation. The general profile of the disorder typically includes a pervasive instability in mood, extreme "black and white" thinking, or "splitting", chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior, as well as a disturbance in the individual’s sense of self. In other words, your wife thrives on having chaos in her life, and has a difficult time functioning in a stable environment.
Borderlines have a difficult time maintaining meaningful interpersonal relationships. I’d have to say, this will be a challenging one for you. If you love her and want to stay, then I’d almost have to say, be prepared for a lifetime of disarray and turmoil. I work with Borderlines every day, and I definitely would not want to be involved with one to any extent!
Remember, Borderline Personality Disorder is an Axis II Disorder, meaning a PERSONALITY Disorder. It is not a medical mental illness. If your wife truly wants to save your marriage, she will get help. There are lots of types of therapy for BPD, such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. BUT, she must be dedicated and motivated to treatment. Good Luck!
To tell you the honest truth…it sounds like it’s time to cut your losses and move on. She’s done it to you more than once, and the fact that she has BPD should be no excuse for her obvious repeating desire to cheat on you. Love can only take you so far, if there’s no communication and respect from the other half…
Wow.
It must really hurt to be in your situation. I think before you decide what you want to do about the relationship, I think you should seek some professional counseling.
A therapist will help you sort out your feelings, your options and help you make that decision.
If you work, find out if your job offers EAP (employee assistance programs) services. They’ll help you find a therapist.
Bummer deal, sorry to hear about that.
If you want to stay married, my suggestion is to get into treatment who can help with the marriage as well as her condition. Individualized therapy helpful for those with BPD is DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). But, her excuses of having BPD to cheat on you with others might be a cop out.
Good luck.
If she has been diagnosed with BPD it is essential that you are preent for some doctor visits and help her with therapy and behavior modification. No credible psychiatrist will see a wife with this disorder and not order some kind of family counseling.
If she is receiveing treatment and till acting out this way she is using you. Most people who present this disorder sexually will try to stay away from situations that will lead to sex.
wow thats gotta be so tough. i am so sorry you are going through this. how long has she had this problem? personaliy disorders are tricky. usually cheating involves an actual affair, with someone she may have feelings for, or just not being genearally happy in the marriage. but people with BPD are at a loss of their true identity, there are also sex addics too. sounds like she needs some heafty treatment, including medication. maybe things will turn around, you also should go to marriage counsiling and personal counsiling yourself… to try and learn how to deal with your wifes illness. just dont let her fool you into thinking its the disorder and not just her after undergoing plenty of treatment. give it some time. i hope everything works out for you. i have been cheated on and it really really hurts
God leave her,do you want AIDs,heck no.
If she is open to seeking help, then encourage her to do so.
For you, if you have children which you did not mention, then you choices are limited. If no children, then consider you have fulfilled your Karmic debt relative to the marriage, and find a good attorney making sure you get copious records of her infidelity. This is the only way to not become saddled with her finances for life.
If she is not ready to acknowledge a problem.. then you must take care of yourself. If she is open and ready to take responsibility for her actions, then if you desire, you can support her… knowing that "treatment" today is highly questionable as to its competency.
Keeping in mind that life on this plane is all about Karma really helps one make decisions in support of oneself. When a Karmic obligation is done, it is done and one should move on as gracefully as possible.
Peace
If she thinks cheating is just cheating, maybe that is a good clue about where she’s coming from and what you are dealing with. I take it that you don’t think cheating is just anything. I don’t either. Do you think the two of you are on the same page? If she can so quickly blow it off as just anything, I think that’s something that needs to be considered first.
It can be too easy to react immediately and make decisions from that. I don’t think you should. It’s best not to try to make a rational decision while upset. You need time and you need someone objective to help you sort out your feelings. I think it would be tough to just let that go, and go back to the relationship where she just might do it again.
I don’t think any woman needs a male friend when she’s married. I don’t think she needs male friends. It’s crowding out your relationship. If you accepted her excuse and tolerated it, does that mean you were all too willing to make excuses just like she does? Are you so hung up on this woman you put up with a lot just to continue being with her? Do you think you actually love her or are you obsessed with her? Does she put up with you the same way you have to put up with her? If your relationship is more like, you playing the parent to her child, how long will you endure that before you wear out your patience on her antics?
Then, there’s her disorder. Say, she gets medicated and she calms down. Willl she behave herself now? Or will she forget to take her meds and go right back to the same-old, same-old? If you have gone out of your way to tolerate her excesses, whether she’s medicated or not, she may be expecting you to continue to endure her inappropriate behavior while still saying you love her. Love is not deaf, dumb or blind. Love doesn’t make excuses. It doesn’t need to. Is your question really about whether or not to make excuses for something she just shouldn’t be doing? She just shouldn’t be going there. But, knowing her, she’s going to do something. What’s it going to be first? Was it ever a good idea to tolerate her? Does she take advantage of your good graces?
She needs to get over this just as much as you do. If she doesn’t want to join you in therapy or counseling, that says a lot right there. If she gets meds, and doesn’t want to take them, that says a lot too. She seems too self-absorbed to love. And you need someone that’s going to love you back.
You seem to need an excuse to stay in this relationship. Is that what you really want? You say she cheated in parking lots and storage buildings. And you put up with that? And you really think you love this woman? She’ll do anything. She’ll take it any way she can get it. And this is love?
Look at yourself. Forget about her. What has been going on in your mind that you didn’t ask this question earlier, long before this? She doesn’t seem to be the marrying type. Why did you marry her? Only you know the answer to that. Why aren’t you sick and tired of all this? How long will it take before you do?
Stop making excuses. Find someone that will love you the same way you love her. You don’t need this.
Is she very pretty? If so that may be the reason why you are trying to stay with her. You may think that you can’t find someone else that looks like her. Does your wife still love you? If she does and you want to overlook her cheating on you, then that’s your choice. Personally if i was maried and in love and my wife cheated I would still want to stay with her. To me cheating is not unforgivable. Maybe she wants to have an open relationship and you can see other women too, how would she feel about that? If she’s cool with it then yuo shoudl at least discuss when you want to have outside afairs so that it doesn’t offend each other so badly. Sometimes if you want to keep someone you just have to change the way you feel about the parameters of the relationship. Make sure she uses condoms, and jelly if she’s not on the pill.
My wife has BPD and has no sexual abuse history, buty has neglect and abandonment trauma. I just found out that she has cheated over a period that covers most of our married years. She is looking for an emotional connection. Husbands of BDPs are replacement for parents (fathers) who have let them down in early development or all through their lives. They can be chameleons that rope you into the perfect wedding and marriage.
When they feel that YOU feel you are in to deep and have too much to lose (like kids), this is when they turn (in my case). These people can be parents to their own parents, so they are tired being a parent and let you make all the decisions while they \"check out\" and turn on you abd begin this cycle of cheating, lying, smear campaigns against you to girlfriends and any man that will listen. The type and frequency that your wife is having suggest that she is not looking for emotional fulfilment, but weaponizing it to hurt you or to hurt herself as a form of self-mutilation to her esteem. In your case, I would not look for the cheating to end due to the nature of it. In my case, my wife had largely makeout sessions with groping with married men (men who can be stable enough to be a parent figure). She had an affair with one slug of a guy that was abandoned in the night by his first wife. I think this triggered her and he \"was so lonely\" she said..she was so lonely. BPDs are lonely even in a huge family setting, or a fair. They self-loathe and are not comfortable in their own skin and look in the morror and hate what they see and do…but in your case…in sexual abuse cases (whether she has repressed and knows that she was abused or not, sometimes comes out in hypnotherapy), they can be the worst. I think what is worst to deal with is is the old addage that \"you can\’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself.\" This can take a decade of psychotherapy. I suspoect that you are either a narcissist with an inner wounded childhood. Maybe you compensate for your wounds with over achievement. BPs are attractd to these types. They are knights in shining armor with dents in the armor. They are not worthy of a true jnight and such a knight might detect their flaws.
OR, you are co-dependent and can\’t let go of her and you will make excuses for her behavior. I am a wounded narcisist and have achieved much in this world, but now, like the BPD manuals say, I will be, and am, reduced to an insecure person who has been sucked of all sense of purpose. We have kids. I am giving her a shot at pschotherapy. It is her\’s to lose now. She has one year and our therapist says that she is to cut all ties with all negative people, enablers, past loves, not to drink, etc… If she does not take this serious, I will leave. If you have young shildren with a BP, remeber that they get a \"get out of jail free\" card until they are adults. All dfamily adults of an untreated BP will suffer thier black and white thinking. She will talk to her kids, then cut off all ties for awhile, then come back, then do it again. BPs can\’t imagine being mean to their young children and can be loving mothers. But this erodes as they enter adulthood and you can only pray for the people that your children marry. They are threatening to her. She will never accept them if untreated.
They will never be good never be good in her black and white thinking. I believe that God is telling me to leave and take the children…and I don\’t believe in God. You should think of running away from her, but NEVER look back. IF you are co-dependent, get a backbone…if you are narcissistic, then you erroniously think that you can fix her and all problems. You can\’t fix other people with this affliction. Lastly, my heart goes out to all BPD sufferers. They have it even worse than we do…but I do not believe in \"misery loves company\" as a way to live your life. If you have BPD and do not seek therapy and have the means, then you deserved to be abandoned. Why make others feel your unbearable pain? It\’s not fair.
If you do not have a health plan of funds to get treatment, then still, don\’t stop there. Admit and take responsibility and look at self-help and take it serious until you can get the help you need. Avoid all people, places and activities that allow you to hurt your family. As far as fighting at home, non-BPs should not answer the BPs call to arms to argue. Accept blame for everything and give them no reason to attack you. Even with their regular doctor, they can get on some kind of mood stabilizer and anti-depressant. Then they have to choose to open their mind and read. Read only clinical publications on the web. DO NOT base your direction in life on Yahoo Answers alone.
Good luck to all. I have my own decision to make. There is an interesting publication on the web about how BPS pick thier spouses and when they will first fall apart. Search for it. I felt like my life story was pre-written. How they pick damaged narcissitic personalities to be their parent..only to turn on them and act out like a teenager that says \"you can\’t tell me what to do, you\’re not my dad.\" In a normal adult relationship, this statement could have merit, but it has a much deeper meaning to a BP. She picks you as aparent, then rebels against you and sneaks out at night with friends, trapped in a youthful mind that is not her real age. Her decision making skills are that of a child..even though they can hold lofty jobs in society.
They have a facade for the workplace. And a nother personality for closest family. Their friends have more value to them than family..just 5th grade or like middle school or high school. These ill chosen friends are enablers. Step #1: Cut off all enablers. Step #2: Get ready to be hated for Step 1.