Please give me advice on how to improve my relationship with my husband…the passion is gone?!?!?
I asked for help a couple of days ago but got very little. Please help me.
My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. We live a good life and love each other very much. We enjoy spending time together and have quite a bit in common. We have a 14 year old son, who is wonderful, and always laugh together. Sounds wonderful…and it is. But here’s the problem…
We are in our early 30’s and in good health. For probably close to the last 5 to 7 years the passion has been lost. We only have sex 2 or 3 time a year (and it’s not because of me…I would love to all the time). He never seems to have any interest. He doesn’t hold my hand much and only gives me pecks as kisses. Never any passion. Never any touching, cuddling, fondling or romance. I can think of only 1 date we have been on since we got married. It hurts me so very badly. I feel un-pretty and un-needed. I cry over it all the time. I have explained it to him so many times over the years but he just seems to ignore the situation…says he is sorry and then acts like the problem doesn’t exist.
I know he isn’t cheating on me. I just don’t know what to do. It is killing me inside and tearing a hole in my heart. I thought about suggesting marriage counseling but our insurance doesn’t cover it. Can anyone give me advice???
Thank you
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Tagged with: Advice • couple of days • cuddling • fondling • good health • health • hole in my heart • insurance • kisses • laugh • love • marriage • marriage counseling • passion • pecks • relationship • romance • spending time
Filed under: Catch A Cheater
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You need to discover the cause of your husband’s loss of interest before you can determine the cure. You said it began 5-7 years ago. What was going on in your marriage and your lives 5 -7 years ago that is still going on now? You need to review the fabric of your lives together to peice together the whole picture so you can see the forest.
If it is a physical problem a full and complete medical examination may determine the cause and solution.
However, if it is a mental/emotional problem, that will be
harder to root out.
If there has been unfaithfulness by either party, he may be feeling guilt or resentment even if it happened in the past.
Did he suffer the loss of someone close to him around that time? If so and he has never dealt with his grief, but suppressed his emotions, he may have unwittingly suppressed his erotic emotions also.
By your information, it seems that you all don’t have financial issues or worries, which affect men much more than women. The pressures of financial problems stress men out much more than women and leaves them despondent.
Is your spouse satisfied with his job? Men define themselves as men by their work/jobs. If they feel disrespected at work or demeaned or powerless, that could be the cause of his lack of interest at home. The reverse is also true, if he feels disrespected, demeaned or powerless at home, he will loose interest.
If you mother him, i.e. treat him like a child, he will absolutely not have any interest in you sexually because most men do not want to sleep with their mothers.
Your husband obviously does not know why he is passionless and your frustration over it just causes him to distance himself even more from you. You need to help him discover the cause of it, even if you discover it first and sort of have him trip over it. Perhaps a lightbulb will go off in his head because if he truly loves you, he does want to be a man in the bedroom and please you. Openly expressing your frustration, however, will only make him retreat more which frustrates you even more.
Once you have done your homework and discovered the cause, then you can begin to seek solutions. It’s
like having a physical ailment. You’re not going to randomly take medicine until you know what the cause is so you know what medication to take.
Undertand though that you can only change yourself, ultimately you cannot change your spouse but you can help him. Be the best wife you can be to your husband. Also realize that you must give your husband what HE needs and not what YOU need, which is what most couples do. Get the book "Love & Respect" by Dr.Emerson Eggerichs and also the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (make sure you get the one for married couples as he has different ones for singles, kids and teens). Once your husband gets what he truly needs in his marriage, he will give you what you need.
Many counsellors and sex counsellors work on a sliding scale (charge what you can afford) so it would be worth looking into.
You should, as a couple, have a date night once a week. Do activities together and try to find that romance again. A marriage is what you make it.
He is cheating on you. That’s the denial talking. I’m sure he has lots of passion for the other woman.
I have gone thru this before, but my situation was a bit different. (It was me that didn’t want to touch him) But, i was very depressed because we had just lost our child. (He was born sleeping) And, after 2 years sometimes i still get depressed & don’t want anything to do with ANYBODY. My question to you is.. do you think he might be depressed ? Ask him, doll. It does no good for you to ask us strangers, only he know what is wrong with him. Ask him, "What can i do, to save our marriage?" tell him how much you love him & that you don’t want to live that way.
I’m sorry to tell you ,but if he don’t have passion for you then it’s going somewhere else !!..It don’t necessarily have to be a woman !!
Therapy is the answer…to find out what is going on with him. I’m a marriage and family therapy and take private pay clients on a regular basis. Start calling numbers in the phone book or go to therapistlocator.net and inquire about private pay and/or sliding scales. Sliding scales seems to be less of an option because it becomes to complicated for billing and figuring per client. Most therapists have a flat rate , like 72.00 per hour. Make sure you find yourself and LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) or LPC (licensed professional counselor).
Best of luck!
Not having sex ever killed anybody, my husband was just the opposite, but had many other bad habits, although, he is a good man now, I have lots of scars to show for his bad behavior. I promise you this it will not be better with someone else, it will just be different problems. Does he work very hard and is just too tired. Have you gained a lot of weight, do you take good care of yourself?
how did you first start going out? what got you looking at him and what got him looking at you.
take the time to talk with him about it and not ust about the sex and if that dont help thin ask him what he would like? what he would like in the bedroom? toys, swing
Sex In The A.M.
http://best_sex_is_n_the_morning.dads-house.org/
http://book-proper_care_n_feeding_of_husbands.dads-house.org/
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go on vacation to a romantic resort
people tend to get too comfortable with each other and sometimes let themselves lose a bit. like get out of shape or get lazy, if u want the spark back, think like this.. that you are single and in the market and need to look ur best and behave ur best. if one person in the relationship does this the other will have to follow and things will become fresh once again.
answer mine please
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ajc9JaVyFfX0gnY7SZoFJhvsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100226155130AAJOJfW
I honestly don’t think you will need therapy. You guys just need to spice up the relationship. See men tend to wonder through life not thinking about feelings like we do. What you need to do get his attention back. You may need to change your appearance . You know him very well and you know what he likes. You need a makeover and new look, refresh yourself make his head turn. See,,, you need to catch his attention. It is not that he doesn’t love you..because he is not cheating. I know you may think it is too much to get his attention but the results will be is that his head will turn, you will make love and get what you want. Be spontaneous ..don’t be so predictable..Make him wonder is that mystery that keeps them looking and you need to make yourself mysterious
good luck !!
Set up a date and tell him where you will be going. Pick a nice restaurant and motel.
Go someplace you have not been to before. Get more aggressive with him. Does he push you away if you come on to him?
People don’t realize how often things like this actually happen in a marriage. Does your husband have any health issues that might effect his sex drive?
I’m sure people reading this will tear me apart for saying it but have you tried any kind of adult films or adult play aids?
Sounds like things just feel routine to your husband…I’m sure he loves you, just try mixing it up a bit.
It sounds like you just need to break out of routine and try some new things. Relationships can get stale after a while…. and doing something spicy can help!