How do I break it to him gently, that I want to leave him?
At this point in time, my husband and I have a good marriage. We get along, we both love each other and our kids. He’s a good man, a great father, but there’s something missing.
It may seem selfish, and in a way, it does to me too, which is why I haven’t left him yet, but I want more children. He already had a vasectomy behind my back, and recently, my body played tricks on me, giving all the pregnancy symptoms, including a late period, just to have my period show up after I took a test.
Anyway…I have stage 3 endometriosis, and have two beautiful kids, have had two miscarriages, and because of how far advanced my endometriosis is, I was told that I will more than likely be losing my uterus by the time I’m 25, and I’m 23 now. His vasectomy was like insult to injury.
I love him very much, and I know I can’t have both him and another child; he downright refuses, and when the subject is brought up, he turns into someone just downright scary; I don’t know him anymore, and actually feel threatened.
So, I know this seems like rambling, because at this point, even I’m a little confused, so bear with me.
One part of me wants to leave him and find someone else, and have more kids.
Another part wants to stay with him, but cheat on him so I can have my other child (which I KNOW will not happen anyway, and it’s disgusting. I can’t even believe there’s a part of me that considers that)
And another part wants to accept things the way they are and move on with our lives, but this part just can’t. This whole situation and confusion has me so deeply depressed and anxious, that I am in counselling for it, and even on medication, which half the time I forget to take because I’m so stressed and depressed.
Can you see why I’m torn?
I can’t even bring any of this up with him because it just starts a humungous fight. I can never tell him how I feel, because he becomes so irrational, there’s no speaking with him.
The desire to leave and move on is so strong, that, behind his back, I’ve been looking for other accomodations and a job (stay at home mom right now).
How do I break it to him gently, without starting a fight, that I want to leave him and move on with my life, so I don’t feel so stressed, tense, depressed and anxious anymore?
crazy, like I said, staying and having more kids with him is not an option. He doesn’t want anymore kids, which is why he had the vasectomy in the first place and refuses to reverse.
Anyway..that wasn’t my question…moving on…
Stephene…I like what you had to say, but I just wanted to remind you and point out that according to my OB/GYN, I have less than two years left with my uterus. My endometriosis went from stage 1 to stage 3 in 5 months.
We already know adoption isn’t an option. We were already turned down.
Crazzeee…yes, we both are very selfish, and stubborn. I realize that, sadly, he doesn’t. And I comopletely understand and agree with him that it’s his right to not have anymore kids, but it’s my right to have more. It should have been his courtesy to include me in the decision to end OUR fertility, as I am his wife, rather than do it behind my back.
He thinks vasectomies behind a wife’s back are commonplace and wives just accept it and stay married. I told him otherwise…any other wife would have left him already.
KAL…Yes, I have considered my children, which is another reason why I have not left yet. I know my children need their father, and their mother, preferably in the same home. I have come up with a wonderful solution that, in the past, even my husband agreed to, where we would both have custody of the children and see them everyday. When our marriage was on the brink of divorce, it was already a custody agreement we had agreed to.
Mom of Ethan…we have done counselling, 3 times..twice since his vasectomy.
Marilyn, I was expecting judgement from people, but please keep your false God-preachy crap out please.
Clearly, you did not read properly, because I said I would NOT cheat, and I find it disgusting that the thought has even crossed my mind. I am not a cheater and never will be.
I asked for advice, not for religion to be shoved down my throat.
Thanks.
- Saturday Lotto AU 4million Tracking through the NSW Lotto recent results, some quite extreme situations have occured in the patterns analysed. The sum totals have been difficult to predict, as there were 3 games in a row where the smallest number was 19, 20, 21 consecutively, this had not occured for 135 draws. The......
- Monday Lotto AU 1million Once again, sticking to the same strategy followed the last few draws, small numbers under 33, and derived from previous 7 draws or less. These are the 2 factors due to come into play, maybe seperately, maybe together. It is taking a bit of a punt, but using both factors......
- Monday Lotto AU 1.5million Recent G Network private in-house lotto games have been returning a profit, over the last few weeks. With a view to tracking the outlay-to-return ratio, from today, all G Network suggestions will be in the form of "optimized games" based upon the work of Saliu. In the running of the......
- Weight Tracking (Last Attempt) Total Weight Lost: 58lbs Here is my weight tracking page... It will evolve as I get more accustomed to my new lifestyle, but for starters if you want to know about the Jumpstart Medicine weight loss program that I am following read this post WeightLadder Reset — 390lbs and Starting......
- how much to tip a bad waiter? so my sister and i always go to this sushi bar. we go so much that even the owner knows us by name. however, the last time we went there was a new waiter and he was really rude from start to finish. when i walked in he pointed to......
- Could sore joints be related to job-related mental stress? We are going through a big audit at work and ever since then I wake up with the joints in my fingers, knees, ankles, toes, elbows, and neck being very stiff and painful, like arthritis. I am 38-years-old and have had osteoarthritis in my fingers since my early 20s......
- Wednesday Lotto AU 750K Today's NSW Lotto is not a lot easier than Monday's. With most numbers looking to come from those within the last 10 draws, and at least 3 or 4 numbers from within 5 draws. Previous draw the Saliu ANY Filters were: 1+ 3+ 6+ 7+ 9+ 16+ All PLUS, strongly......
Tagged with: Break • confusion • counselling • desire • endometriosis • good man • half the time • Insult • insult to injury • late period • love • marriage • medication • miscarriages • point in time • pregnancy symptoms • stage 3 • uterus • vasectomy
Filed under: Infidelity Warning Signs
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!
I am so, so, so sorry you are going through this. I’ll try not to get preachy and I’ll try not to shove religion down your throat. I will ask you to pray like you have never prayed before. Pray for your husband, your children and yourself! I will do so too.
This is what I try to warn people about here, about the ramifications physically, emotionally, and spiritually of vasectomy. I understand your feelings. I would not say that your doctor is right about you only having fertility for another 2 years or so or that you will need a hysterectomy someday. I think you need a different doctor. So don’t push the panic buttons there on that part of the equation. The main problem with your marriage is that your husband went against your wishes and had the vasectomy. He betrayed you. He took away the possibility of you having another child; it was his body, but it affected YOU. And now you resent him for it. Of course, you consider cheating because that’s what this (vasectomy) does to a woman. It’s not your fertility, so you figure your body, you should be able to try to have another child. Just like the people who say "hey, it was his body. He can vasectomize it if he wants to." But as the saying goes, two wrongs don’t make a right. The breech of trust and the betrayal is hard for you to overcome as well as the fact that it involves the heart of intimacy too. Everytime you have sex, you are undoubtedly reminded that he is sterile now and has taken away the chance of another child. And that causes problems in the bedroom when the act becomes not love making but raw sex. I don’t know what to tell you really. What he did was clearly wrong. You really have to work on forgiveness. If you can’t forgive him and move past vasectomy, then yes, separation is best. A household of fighting and sadness is no place to raise a family. Something has got to change. I guess I would suggest separation and more counseling. Again, I am so sorry.
Vasectomies can be reversed. You could also do it with artificial insemination with donor sperm.
"How do I break it to him gently"
Yeah…sure.
It’s going to be like trying to crack an egg for an omelet using a sledgehammer.
If you are frightened of him, do it in a public place or with family or friends around for protection.
Make sure you have a support system ready so you can make a clean break. You don’t want to be stuck, dependent on him, after you break the news.
Just tell him what you’ve said here: You want a life with a larger family and more children. He won’t give you that.
Good luck.
You need serious help. Please see a psychiatrist.
I understand why you torn…Its really messed up what he did but its also his decision not to have any more kids so I really don’t know, It seems you two are both very selfish towards each other…
Have you considered the children you currently have in all of this? Seriously - so that YOU can have more children because YOU want them YOU are willing to break up the family and remove their father from them. Seriously???????
He should not have had a vasectomy behind your back and you should not break up the family just to have more children. That is not being a good, responsible parent for the children you do have.
go to a marriage counselor now and save your marriage or sort through the issues so you can leave him and not repeat the same issues with someone else.
I was thinking stay until I read without your knowledge he got a vasectomy… sounds to me like he is inconsiderate and not communicative with you when it comes to what he wants… that is a BIG problem… and you are thinking of doing the same thing - doing what you want without regards to the consequences - very immature… and I am not trying to be harsh.. but a counselor will help you both see your love in a better more mature way where you can communicate about the tough choices and work together on solutions.
just chill for a bit and enjoy the kids you have. your only 23, and you have plenty of time. on top of that people change as they grow and his vasectomy can be reversed. he may tell you now that he doesn’t want more kids but that could change. i know you said you may not be able to have kids, so what happens if you put all this stress on your marriage to try for more and are unsuccessful anyhow?? there’s always adoption too..me personally, i got my tubes tied at 27 after three kids, i’m now 33 and the idea of having more is coming back and i’ve considered adoption..i have changed dramatically since i was in my 20’s so just give it some time. kids are a handful, nothing wrong with having a bunch if that’s what you want, but i wouldn’t add more children into what sounds like an already rocky relationship. if he’s "scary" and "threatening" you, that would be of more concern to me now than adding on a child that doesn’t deserve that anyhow. figure out your marriage first and then worry about having more kids next. don’t take this the wrong way but yes, you are only thinking about what you want right now (an we all can be a little selfish).
Wow, there is so much more going on with you two then you’ve put here. He must have had very strong reasons for getting a vasectomy behind your back. He must have strong reasons for not wanting another child. But you didn’t list those.
Why would you walk out on a wonderful marriage, a good provider, and a great father just so you could have another child? Yes, children are a wonderfull blessing and I would be upset too if I thought I couldn’t have anymore. That’s no reason to throw away a good marriage. What if your next husband is willing to give your more children, but he beats them and you? Or can’t stay at a job and pay the bills? or is mean to you? or plays video games all day and doesn’t pay attention to you and the babies? what if he’s a controlling jerk? what if he’s a wimp and crappy in bed? What if he was a horrible father and never helped with the kids? Would you really trade all you have for someone you don’t know anything about? It seems too big of a risk to me.
Why in the world have you not gone to counseling? It seems that a non judge mental third person could talk to you guys and get to the bottom of your problems. Isn’t that worth a shot before ending a marriage?
Don’t throw a happy marriage away for a baby. A baby will grow up and leave your house and your husband will still be there until you grow old and die.
If you are that adamant about having a baby again, why wouldn’t you just do artificial insemination instead of cheating????
Good luck.
First a lesson of life; the grass is NOT greener on the other side. You really do need to grow up and accept all that you do have right now. Your thinking is usually normal for couples who marry young and not really ready for to settle down for the challenges that marriages bring. Youve probably feel that you missed out on alot of things by marrying young and youre probably right but its too late to be thinking about vthat. God blessed you with a great husband and family so learn to be happy with that instead of what could be. Many women would love to be in your shoes right now and have what you do. The medicines you take arent your answer. Theyre like a band aid at best and only control your emotions. The answer you seek in inside you with your ability to just accept things as they really are and quit trying to change them as you know full well they wont. Remember, its not having what you want, but wanting what you have. When you can truly accept that youll be much happier and calmer in life. Your husband gets mad because he knows this and has accepted his destiny and can live within himself and hates seeing you grasping for something that just wont happen (your words). So figure that this is all God is going to give you, be thankful for it and move on to a better life. Besides, truthfully, any more children wont help what ails you and will probably only complicate the picture even more. Good luck and Happy Holidays
You both are walking on two separate ways. You marriage is not so good since you two do things directly related to the family life behind the other’s back. You say you love him and you want to leave him. That does not fit together.
If you cannot talk to each other and tell the truth, you need a counsellor.
you dont leave the father of your kids, break up their security break your vows just because you want another 7 pound person in your life, that baby has become your idol.it doesnt even exist and your willing to changes your whole life because of it, so youll have to work, then what? day care for everybody,
a baby should be something both agree on together, not something you go out and cheat to get, God says no adultery so you are putting another ‘god’ before Him.that baby represents everything wrong about you, it will have no father, when your husband comes to visit his 2, you will be forever guilty of destroying the family God gave you. selfish.
You should have stopped after you said this may seem selfish. You were correct then, you are selfish. Maybe he doesn’t want to go through the pain of another miscarriage. But I guess his feelings don’t matter either?
I think that you should not break up your children’s home to have another child. You say that you and your husband love each other, etc. , so don’t make a broken home over something like this. Yes, it was rude and selfish of him to go get snipped behind your back, and to me it seems like a really weird thing to do without your consent, so I am sure that there is more to the story that you’re not telling us. Anyways, he has given you to beautiful children that you need to love unconditionally and do whats best for them..
Now, the entire him being hostile and you being frightened of him is a whole different story. These statements make me feel like your not telling us the whole story of every aspect of why you want to leave him. If he is being mean to you or your children, and you feel frightened for them or yourself, then you defiantly have every right to leave him. In this case I would do it somewhere public, and then stay with family until things cooled down.
Best Of Luck**
Sperm donor from the sperm bank. It will allow you to chose a donor that has similar traits of your husband.
You need to stop focusing on what you don’t have and be thankful for what you do have. You are young but do you know what kind of effect it will have on you in the future? Do you think your husband is comfortable with your illness? Do you think he wants to have to take care of 3 children AND you? Have you considered it might not be the wisest thing for you? Be careful what you wish for because it just may make you one miserable person. I would say wait a year and see where it goes. Someone above us might be trying to give you all kinds of signs but you aren’t listening. Good luck.
You need to see a counselor badly! You are a stay at home mom with 2 children from a good man that is a great father. You want to trade that for the opportunity to have more kids without a great man, great father and the luxury of being a stay at home mom? So what if he had a vasectomy without your consent. If you "accidentally" got pregnant I’m sure you wouldn’t care what he thought about whether he wanted another child. You would have the baby because its your body and you want more children! His vasectomy represents exactly what you would do…..it’s his body and he doesn’t care about whether you want more children! Women have always had the final decision about having a baby or not and it is not fun when the man has the control over whether a child is born or not. There are millions of women that would trade places with you so stop being selfish and grow up!
Is there more to this then your telling us? Because I remember back when he had the vasectomy- you were heart broken. And I could see how this one issue would really start to break down your marriage… because it was something that was important to you. But something I do think you need to consider is your children in all this. Of course you need to be happy.. but have you considered what this would put your children through? Have you considered "taking turns" having the children and the long term effect this would have on them? Or living on your own with the children, or whether he would fight you over custody of the kids?
I am not trying to make you feel bad about this. But this is a huge thing to consider. Your talking about "leaving your husband".Its not something that can be taken lightly or put gently, I am sorry. There is no "easy way" to tell him this.
I think maybe you all should consider counseling first. If you truly love him… maybe you all can work this out. Maybe there is a underlying problem that both of you need to talk out and resolve… Because I think a lot of this decision is being made based off of the anger you have over the way he handled having the vasectomy. HE WAS WRONG!!! I totally back you up in that. And I know it hurt you badly because you wanted more kids… but do consider what effect this will have on the children you have.
I think you do need to tell him that you are thinking of leaving him… But there is no light way of putting it… Just be honest. GOOD LUCK!!!
Dang. Why cant you just be happy with what God has already given you?
Get yourself together before you lose.
You will get mad about my answer if you do not just think about it as you read it. Be a little open minded. I am not writing this to be mean.
He did the right thing for both of you. He did not do it to be mean. You are hormonal and not thinking clearly. Honestly do you think you are going to divorce him and remarry in time to have another baby before you loose your uterus (two years)? Do you think splitting up your family is worth it? If you feel that way, then by all means divorce him because you do not deserve him.
You will either end up with a baby from a stranger, or will miss the opportunity. Either way you will be just another divorced mother. Why spread so much bad karma? If you really think about it, having another baby is nothing more than vanity, and stealing opportunity from your other two kids.
Let me tell you what my first wife did; I had a vasectomy. I did not ask her, I just did it, and she knew I was doing it. Neither of us had children. She could never handle that much responcibility. About three years later she decided that her clock was running out. She got pregnant with the first unemployed moron she could get. She put my name on the birth cert and tried to take me for child support. That did not work. She gave up the baby, and I ended up having to sign the papers releasing the baby to the adopted parents. She ended up alone and still had no baby to show for it.
Last I heard she was homeless. Today I am a software developer, own three houses, have lots of stamps in my passport, and no "baggage". Well, I guess karma got her good. Want to be like her? Well, maybe you should go forth with your plan.