Cheating….can a relationship survive?
(note: I have kept the gender ambiguous to keep answers un-sexist)
I was recently cheated on, I’ve been with this person for 3+ years…. I dont know what to do. I want to forgive and try to work it out but this person isn’t even sure why they did it in the first place (and is positive they will never do it again but cant say for sure that they wont WANT to again….) He/she wants to be sure before giving me any answers, because they dont want to lie to me, and they’re not sure how it happened in the first place…. He/she is disgusted with him/herself, and now isn’t sure if he/she can look upon me without the guilt and pain, and know that I will truly ever trust again. I am told I am loved more/have meant more to this person than anyone they have ever known…. but if I truly meant this much to them, would they have done it in the first place? Can we make it through? Is our love worth fighting for and what does "fighting for" specifically mean?
All help/advice is welcome,PLEASE
It was a drunken night, not an affair. They didn’t "finish…." (not that it really matters…) We have an appointment to see a therapist. I truly believe in the possibility of working it out. Help me.
Yes in response to the last advice posting- Low self esteem was cited as a reason. This person has issues they need to work out, obviously. Question is, do I stick around? I feel as though it is worth it- however it is so fresh, my own feelings cant be trusted right now. I hate the fact that I am now part of a statistic and the betrayal is killing me. I guess time is my only answer? I am lost.
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Tagged with: 3 years • appointment • betrayal • cheating • drunken night • feelings • guilt • love • low self esteem • relationship • statistic
Filed under: Infidelity Warning Signs
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The first question to ask yourself is do you want it to survive? Can you make it past the betrayal to see again the love you both once shared? I believe that if you ever loved him/her completely, then yes, you can survive this pain. It will take some time and it will take some faith, but if you take a moment to step back and review your own self, taking inventory on your own life and where you may have fallen short in the relationship…you tend to find areas of opportinity that were maybe overlooked that may have driven your mate to cheat. There are those who believe once a cheat always a cheat, but can’t the same be said for liars or thieves? Can a person not make a mistake and forever be labled with ugliness? Forgiveness is a divine act we are all capable of.
I have walked a mile in your shoes before…it was not easy. Time is truly the healer of all wounds. I guess for me, I had to place it on a higher level. I had to imagine myself in front of my maker, asking him to forgive me of all my flaws and shortcomings, and know in my heart that when I did, I had forgiven others of theirs. Hoping like crazy that the good Lord sees fit to forgive me as I have forgiven others.
No matter what decision you chose to make, know that people make mistakes, they live they learn and they grow. It is possible that your mate will never cheat again. It is also possible that the love you shared before can again be rekindled and you may find a much higher awareness in the knowledge that nothing worth having will come easy.
Godspeed to you my friend.
men and women cheat for different reasons. It can survive if both of you work on the relationship and are able to put this behind you
well, cheating is something serious, personally I wouldn’t forgive it, I did once and he did it to me again, so no, I learned my lessson, i guess it depends how much you trust that person, if you are gonna be able to ever trust them again, it is going to make you feel real insecure and you’re right, if that person truly cared for you, they wouldn’t had done it in the first place
Once trust has gone that’s it,once a cheater always a cheater.
i believe it’s a deal breaker, especially with only 3 years together.
that being said, it took me six months after my ex’s cheating incident to leave her, so i can’t judge
i definitely think that, if the relationship is to survive, you should go to a few couples counseling sessions and figure out why it happened, what the other person was trying to DO by cheating (are they afraid of abandonment, intimacy, something else and were trying to protect themselves by striking first?)
but you definitely won’t last together if both of you don’t have some serious conversations about this — DONT just let it go after the first few convos. I made the mistake of getting mad for like two conversations, expressing my distaste and distrust, but then pretending everything was cool after that. That is NOT the way to go. you both have to get to the bottom of how you feel about it and what you’re willing to do to stay together. if the other person is unhappy, it’s THEIR responsibility to make this known, and it’s also their responsibility not to cheat no matter what…
i definitely think counseling will help, but the main goal is serious communication to prevent other destructive behaviors
People who cheat are not happy with the relationship they are in. Instead of talking or expressing themselves, they seek out someone who can temporarily make them feel better, but not necessarily make them happy. Of course, they are responsible for their own happiness, not someone else. Cheating has less to do with someone else as with the person doing the cheating. You need to find out how he feels, not about cheating, but how he feels about his life.
I’m a personal believer in the fact that people make mistakes. It happens. I cheated on my girlfriend, and it took a little time, but we both realized how much we loved eachother, and so we’re still together. Of course she lost some trust in me for a while, but I did manage to regain it. So just try to work through it. If you really love the person then you should be able to by pass this little incident, and both get on and be happy again.
i couldnt 4give myself as every time i looked at them i would see wot they had done to me and the pain would never go away but every one is diffrent so make the right choice for yourself and dont do it just cos u r lonely
the chance is their and their will be out burst time to time as to why it was done, not counting those dreaded diseases that are passed.
sorry to hear this, but once cheating enters into a relationship, the trust is very hard to regain, and if you two decide to go back some serious questions need to be addressed like what is missing in your relationship that the other felt the need to go and cheat, and the person who cheated needs to fully understand that trust is going take a lot to earn back and the other person is really going to have to work at trusting again and both are easier said than done…. but if you have a strong loving relationship and you both agree to work at it then its possible…. good luck
of course your relationship can survive if you turn a blind eye to what your partner has done
for gods sake, your partner can’t even tell you if they will be true to you in the future, your partner cheated on you before and now can’t even tell you that it will never happen again and you want your relationship to survive?
it will only survive if you turn a blind eye to it and tolerate it and be ignorant about it
perhaps when your partner brings home some nasty STD you will be on here asking how long you will survive
if you like being treated like this then stay with your partner and enjoy
well, men and women cheat for different reasons. Men: sex and because they think they can get away with it. Women: emotional. There are rare times when the roles reverse. Now, you need to ask yourself only one question. Can I truly forgive him/her and move on from this? A good way to know is the next time you have an argument…if you bring up the cheating, you haven’t moved on. if you don’t bring it up..you have a fighting chance. It all depends on your ability to forgive AND forget. Another point is, if you do forgive him/her you can never bring it up again. Can you live with that? Trust is very fragile. Don’t trust him/her unless you’re sure he/she won’t do it again. 3 years is a long time. you’ve invested a lot of time, effort, love, etc. and you can never get that back once it’s over so that is what you’d be fighting to maintain. Couples counseling may be the way to go. Good Luck
You and this person should break up but remain friends. If you are truly in love with someone then you can’t see yourself making love with anyone else except for your spouse. Apparently your spouse doesn’t want to be with you if he/she can’t give you an answer.
I don’t answer very many of these, but this is pretty easy — at least to help you decide what is possible….
I think marriage/relationships are respect, admiration, passion and trust, and betrayal is really the only deal-buster in a relationship. With betrayal, the trust is gone, and the other three are now in the toilet, so the relationship is really threatened. Any counselor will tell you it is a minimum of two years, with no guarantee, in counseling before this relationship can heal…….. again, no guarantee. Trust, and respect, and all those precious feelings we have for someone?????—- a relationship could more easily survive if you just slit its throat.
As well, years are valuable, and betrayal with the image of your parter either pronging someone else, or getting pronged is difficult to erase, even if you are willing to try…. it’s evolution, its nature, and that is tuff to get over. Marriages/relationships are, unless the two agree, sexually exclusive (If it isn’t, and the relationship is open, then each uses the other as a roommate, and an occasional boinking buddy…. and those don’t stay together very long, since one or the other wants a relationship with a committment, and the roommate is not longer a candidate…)
My personal take? It is easier to find someone new than to deal with the bad taste betrayal leaves in one’s mouth. And it is indeed true….."Once a cheater….." There are just toooo many nice people out there who very much want a faithful partner, and to be in a loving, supportive relationship….
You have gotten many great answers and advice in the posts. My problem is…………I don’t care how drunk someone is……….they don’t forget a three year relationship. And…
so they got completely drunk and wham bam……..had sex.There was something that led up to it while they were on their way to getting drunk.There must have been flirting and converstaions….the person knew they were cheating and that it would hurt you if you found out. The drinking is just an excuse. Make sure you get tested for STD’s. With early diagnosis, medicines can work. Right now one in five people have a sexually transmitted disease. You can go to the health department and have them done………make sure your partner does too.
Only you and your partner know if it can work or not.
Right now, your partner is in the dog house so to speak and will say a lot to get out. Hopefully, they do go to therapy personal and couple counseling. A person who cheats is usually unhappy with their own self….they usually have low self esteem and they are looking to fill that void with another.
Prayers go out to you…….
Noone can tell, it’s different with everybody. It is a start though to see a Counselor, coz then you both can decide if you can work things out or not.
I can’t say if a relationship would work or not because it all depends on the people and the problem. Cheating is a tough one!
Fighting for is, staying together and getting through the problem.
My blessings for your seeking Counseling.