Did your spouse cheat on you?
I just found out that my husband cheated on me twice in the past year. Of course I’m hurt, but what now. After being lied to for so long, should he be trusted? How do I go about healing? How long does that take? I’m thinking of staying, but can’t find a reason why I should. Except for the fact that we’ve got four kids. I’ve only been working for a few months so I don’t really have any money of my own if I do decide to leave. If your spouse did cheat on you, what did you do? How did you manage to look them in the eye again? How do you "make love" when the love has been tarnished? I feel so used. How is forgiveness supposed to happen if I can’t forget what he did? I know this is a lot of questions, but I’m tired of trying to come up with solutions on my own. Please be serious, because my pain is very real. Thank you…..
How do I get to the point where I’m ok with him? What needs to happen for me to look at him again and not want to slap him? Maybe I’m being too deep here, but I really do want to try and work this out. He’s said sorry and stuff like that, but is healing really possible?
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Tagged with: forgiveness • love quot • money
Filed under: Infidelity Warning Signs
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This is a very tough thing to find out. You would have been better off not knowing. Did he tell you or did you find out on your own? If he told you then maybe he felt guilty. You can’t trust him, oh you want to with all of your being, but if you get to the point that you just know that it is eating you alive then maybe you should rethink the marriage. It will take you a while to feel better about it and you will never be "over" it. You will always wonder "Is he…?" when he is 30 min late for whatever reason w/o a good excuse. It all depends on how much he loves you and you him and what the two of you’s expectations are out of this marriage.
IM me i could shed some light if u want
Well… if you choose to stay then you are willing to work to save your family…. however the cheating on his side needs to stop… I would suggest counseling for the both of you… I would also ask him if those other people and sex are worth loosing his family over…. and you should not forget what he has done … forgive maybe.
I don’t know what I would do. I was cheated on by a BF in the past and it hurt bad. Marriage is tougher though because there is more at stake. I would want to try and work it out but I would have to know the route of the problem first. did he cheat just to have sex or is there a meaningful relationship developed. I would ask myself if life could go on with some therapy and maybe it would take a while but I think that eventually the trust might come back. I wish you luck. My advice would be to find out the route of the problem and work on it from there. Good luck.
well this happened to me 6 yrs ago, i found out that my husband at that time was cheating on me with his now wife so i filed for divorce, but we did not have kids we were married for 4 yrs. it took me about 3 yrs to get over him cuz he was my first true love and husband, now we are better off as friends. take it one day at a time. good luck
Staying is a really bad idea…My husband cheated on me when i was 3 months pregnant with our daughter…Once i found out about it i left and haven’t gone back with him since…He has tried to work things out with me about 4 times now and one of the time we went out to dinner and everything was going great till when we were on our way home i found this card from some girl saying how much she loved him and how happy she was to be with him..I ask him who she was and after him trying to make up a story about how that card wasn’t his but his friends…I looked at him and told him that the card had his name on it …He then told me that it was his Girlfriend..He had been with her for a year and that’s how old my baby was at the time…I was so hurt again …Well now were going threw a divorce and he still trys to cheat on her with me…Some guys are just dogs …They will never change … We see it as giving them another chance because we love them…They see it as they got away with it and hope next time they don’t get caught…Wish you luck…They best thing to do is move on…Don’t wast your time with a lire and a cheater
Healing takes alot of work from both you and him…But you will always have it in the back of your head…
I just found out yesterday that my spouse has been cheating on me for 3 years. Right now, I am planning on staying with him, but we are definitely going to go for counseling. I know that he loves me, which makes it even harder to understand. I have no idea how I am to be able to get back to life as I knew it. It is as though my life has been turned upside down! email me at micar1321@yahoo.com of you want to talk.
I am so sorry that his has happened to you. I have been through the same thing. I have four children, too.
My wife has been chronically unfaithful. (There are six men that I know about.) I did try to persevere though. Finally, I decided to divorce her because she used marijuana in front of the children, used marijuana with one of the children, and then *chose* to allow my youngest child to come into social contact with the person who molested him.
After 20 years, I’m calling it quits. It’s going to be ugly. She is completely unashamed and unapologetic of her behaviour. She even thinks she should have primary custody of the children!
IMHO, because you have children and assuming that he is a good parent otherwise, you need to try to get past the infidelity and to repair the marriage. "Repair" may not even be the right word. It will never be what it was. (It could be better; it could be worse.) Think of it as starting a new one.
I do believe that healing is possible, but it will take a lot of work on his part and yours. You will have to consciously choose to forgive and then work to achieve it. Once you’ve started to (re)construct the friendship, you’ll find him more appealing. Right now, he’s just a source of pain, and no one can make love under those conditions.
Some people really hate Dr. Phil. I don’t watch his show often, but I have found the articles on his site useful. (The first one linked below was a factor in deciding to divorce, because my wife does not think she has done wrong.) Also, another participant on Y!A directed me to marriagebuilders.com.
If you want to talk, message me. (Click my avatar, and then click "Contact".) I’ll be happy to help if I can.
You will hear this a lot but it takes time. You also need to ask your self what you can handle knowing about the affairs before you start demanding answers from him. You need to know the why of it but sometimes knowing the how can be too much, only you can decide that.
As to what to do to stay or to leave you really need to give yourself time to make a decision on that one. Most of the books I have been reading suggest 6 to 8 months to allow your self to absorb what has happened and to sort out your true feelings. Do your self a favor and give yourself that time, you will make a better decision and be a better person and mother for your children.
As to the making love thing that will take time, but be careful because there will be periods of what they call ’staking your claim’ basically this is just sex with your spouse to prove that he is supposed to be there for you. It can go either way as to being emotional or just physical.
I hope this helps somewhat. Above all else remember one thing, you did nothing wrong here, you have honored your vows and are deserving of respect. Do not be afraid to share how you are feeling to your husband, let him know what your needs are. Chances are that right now he will be withholding because he is afraid of how you will react to things.
You have 4 reasons to stay…your kids!
What I say here will seem like I think it’s easy…I don’t. I’ve been where you have one too many times! My first husband cheated on me. I stayed, it continued - with different people - I thought what was good for the goose would be good for me, so I had a couple of affairs. We were young and there really wasn’t anything there to begin with to keep the relationship together. We did have two children, but we fought everyday and they didn’t need to be in that kind of situation. So we left. At the time I had NO money, only trained to work at a 7-11 or Burger King, and we were overseas! It was a joyous day when I left him! I did have to move in with my alcoholic mother for a bit. That was a downfall.
The relationship I’m in now….we were seeing each other approximately 9 mos. before we moved in together. He was crazy about me and me about him. His mama liked me real well and told him to buy me a house. I researched, looked at 100’s of houses….anyway, found the house, he bought it, his name on it. Him, my three kids and I lived there for 8 mos. We painted, we decorated, we had fun together, my kids were typical teenagers. Then one day when he was at his mom’s helping his stepbrother, he came home and told me he couldn’t live with me anymore. That was it. He left. I went bonkers - literally. Visited the adult rubber room twice. Not longer than 12 hr. stays tho. I had NO WHERE to go! My kids and I had to move out of our home, because it was HIS. He bought it, regardless if he bought it for me, it was in his name. I was there 4 weeks, the day I moved out, he brought to our home, slept in the same bed we had been sharing, with the town skanky ho from where he used to live for many years!! I found out the day after and lost it, but this time I was irate!! Well this little part of the story ends with, we started getting back together, with counseling, and the ho popped up one day and told him she was pregnant and it was his! Another blow to the relationship! He has no children of his own, has always wanted one, but just not with someone of her stature! Anyway, we did get back together, the ho was told when the DNA tests came back and claimed him the father then he’d be there 110% for the child. We had to learn to trust one another and not just have trustworthiness. It was hard getting it back. But he was my best friend. I couldn’t let go of that. Plus the reasons he left and how he did it were total crap and cowardly! Let’s skip ahead….
We were suppose to get married, canceled it cuz it was just too much at the time, found out the child did turn out to be his, I’m a stepmommy to the cutest, most precious baby girl ever!! Then a month after that my best friend of 33 years called me at 6:15 a.m. (!) telling me I needed to get over there she needed to talk to me. Told her I wasn’t getting up to do that just tell me! She proceeded to take the life that I had fought so hard to become stable with it, trusting in it, believing things were well on their way to almost perfect, and crushed it like my life meant nothing. She and my fiance (at the time) committed the #1 cardinal rule that girlfriends never should cross. She was with my man….a one time deal….sexually….orally. I called my fiance up and very calmly told him to get home NOW!! Didn’t tell him anything else. When he got home, my daughter was still asleep, I didn’t want her to hear anything. I proceeded to spew out what my girlfriend had just told me. He didn’t deny it, he sat there and took everything that I could yell out at him, I cried hysterically, I threw dishes at the wall shattering them, I wanted to hit him until I couldn’t anymore…I didn’t….but I wanted to. I am no longer friends with her, I took only that day to mourn loudly and be ugly with my words to him, didn’t want to cry over any of it any more than the one day, was leery of him & wanted nothing to do with him touching me, kissing me, telling me he loved me. I didn’t care how many times he said he was sorry. But I also had to think of my daughter who had been through so much in the past 2 1/2 yrs, really had come out of her shell, and loved the man I was with tremendously. I didn’t know how I was going to let that relationship between them go. So…we acted as if nothing had happened when my daughter was around, and I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do. We were having to deal with his daughter’s psychotic mother, trying to get a routine visitation schedule for him, I was dealing with all of my emotions, and he said he wouldn’t blame me for leaving. Well once again…I had no money….I lived in a city where I only had one friend and she wasn’t there to help me becuz she was part of the problem….and I really had NO WHERE to go….mom had passed away 12 yrs. earlier. Had to do some real soul searching, still do, still have waves of the anger and hurt come and go, I see a counselor about once a week, he’s gone with me too. But the one thing I did do only a month after the turmoil was marry him. Didn’t really sink in until about two months later. Didn’t get my ss card or drivers license changed over until 3 mos. after we married. I do still think about it. It helps that I don’t see my x friend anymore. I did tell him during one of my "waves" of anger that I hope it was a good blow job cuz it’s the last one he’ll be getting!! And ya, I still wonder the big ? ….Why? It’s hard for me still to get over the betrayal from my x friend. She threw 33 yrs. away all over a few minutes of oral sex. Don’t care about details, who did what, who started it, how it came to be…..just know that they are equally both wrong. I didn’t want to leave…again….and I didn’t want my daughter going through it again also. Building the trust is coming slower this time, but I do still love him a lot, and he is still my best friend. Just all of the feelings aren’t up on the charts very high still. Ya I married him, but with the understanding that I’m still working on processing all of it. And no, you never forget!! But you have to decide if you want to save it, or if it’s damaged too much to repair. My first was too damaged, this one….I’m slowly patching up the cracks. Good luck to you and seek some counseling for yourself and if you want, together go.