If your spouse cheated on you and you stayed, what would you expect from him/her?
My husband had an affair and he made up for his actions for several weeks. He bought me flowers, chocolates, greeting cards, gave me massages, constantly told me I was beautiful, etc. Now he has gone back to his normal ways. He’s not as attentive and affectionate as he was during that period of time; he acts completely different. It’s like he’s on auto-pilot again. He doesn’t seem he wants to permanently improve on how he treats me rather he’s satisfied by what he’s doing and I know it’s not the best that he can he do. I’m not expecting him to bring me a dozen roses every single day but he should be constantly reassuring me to make me feel secure. What would you expect from your spouse?
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Tagged with: acts • auto pilot • dozen roses • flowers • greeting cards • massages • period of time • single day
Filed under: Infidelity Warning Signs
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Ok, you asked the question, so I hope you really truly want an answer.
This may not be what you are looking to hear…
Number one, why should he be constantly having to reassure you? You took him back after the affair, that gives a general thought that you have accepted the mistake, forgave it and are willing to forget it to move on. You can’t keep holding it over his head.
Maybe that is why he seems to be on auto pilot again. A person should not have to "prove" themselves day after day, over and over.
It is totally draining, both physically and emotionally.
Maybe you need to look at how you treat him, are you doing the best that you can do? Are you constantly reassuring him?
If you truly love him, you need to be totally honest……. have you truly forgiven him?
You will never forget that he cheated on you. All that candy & card BS isnt going to fix anything.
It’s typical for husands who stray to exhibit this type of behavior when the wife finds out. He does this to keep her and to win her over again. When he knows he has done that, he returns to his other ways and usually ends up cheating again. You can not change another person. Tell him what you expect, but know that he probably won’t change. Sorry, it’s human nature.
No he shouldn’t have to constantly reassure you to make you feel secure. You have to decide he is trustworthy and get over the fact he cheated.
First, I can see you giving him a second chance, but only ONE second chance. If he’s cheated on you more than once, you need to show him the door. Below I’ve listed what you need from him. IMO, if he balks at any of these or violates them, you need to show him the door. For instance, if you find he calls or text messages her even once, he needs to be out of there.
What you need from him is full accountability. You need to know where he is at every hour of the day. He is not to leave the house without telling you where he goes. He needs to tell you approximately when he’ll be home, and if he finds he’ll be late, he needs to call you and tell you. He needs to be available by cell phone at ALL times.
You need to see his credit card bills, cell phone bill, email account etc. He is not to have credit cards, cell phones, and email accounts that you can’t see or get into. And you need to know who the other woman was and everything you can about her, just to make sure he’s staying away from her.
You also need full contrition on his part–that he completely owns his actions, blames himself, and not you for any of it.
You need for him to tell the other woman it’s completely over (with you as a witness), and he is to discontinue all contact with her. If they work together, then too bad he needs to change jobs.
You also should have counseling to work on whatever problems he was trying to solve outside the marriage.
Best of luck to you. This can work but only if he is truly contrite and abides by all these conditions.
For a start all the flowers, cards, gifts in the world would not make up for the cheating. So that was not what he should have done. You both should have gone to counceling and he should reinforce his devotion to you for as long as you need it. Some people think that buying a gift means OK it’s all fixed now just like a car having a tune up…. It doesn’t work like that…. You need to stay focused on the really problem and issue to fix it. Take my advice go see a professional about this and if he doesn’t want to go and he has gone back to his old ways maybe he has started to see his fling again…
I would expect a change in me first before I expected one in him. Straight up, if your man screwed around and he’s been doing stuff for weeks for some form of repentance, he’s not seeing it appreciated by you and no effort on your part to work on the problems that caused him to stray in the first place.
People who cheat are often finding themselves starved in the relationship in some way. Sad thing is, MOST of them, have said something to their spouse in some way. "We never go out", "Do I look good in this?", "What would you say to you, me and a week away in a cabin somewhere?" "Do you think we can try this____ in bed?" Those often are little hints, saying something. What was he telling you before this mess? Work on that with him together, don’t put it all on him to make up for the cheating, you cheated him in someway for that to happen. Both of you need to work on it, not just him.
Many couples go through a temporary ‘honeymoon’ period after a major crisis. But, now your husband thinks he is safe and hasn’t had consequences, he got to stay and still has his marriage. So, it’s up to you to draw the line, to let him know that you will not just go back to the old patterns that lead to so much heartache before.
He needs to do what is necessary to help you feel secure. It takes years, not weeks to recover from such a horrible trauma. This isn’t about superficial acts, such as cards. It’s about building honesty and working to strengthen himself and your marriage. Building stronger personal boundaries and hedges to protect the marriage. Working to meet each others needs better.
What I expected, that my husband ended all contact with any other women he was inappropriate with. To remove any third party and commit fully to our marriage. That he be totally open with his life, his communications and schedule to help me start to trust him again. He had to earn that trust. Seek help to rebuild a stronger relationship, to meet each others needs better.
Let’s face it, if he had better skills, he wouldn’t have created this mess. He made self indulgent, foolish choices to validate his own ego.
Look into professional help if you can. If your husband has his way, he will just ask you to ‘forgive and forget’ and he will sweep his problems under the rug and return to his old problems. A counselor certified in marriage counseling, who has experience with infidelity may be helpful. You might have to try more than one to find a good fit. Or, some marriage weekend programs.
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
A whole new agenda should have been put up for you guys. You let him stay which could be good or bad. That all depends on the effort you guys put in just to reconcile the differences and those hateful events leading up to the cheating. If he is just trying to avoid the question gets angry or show no care in this insight he may not really be sorry.