Did I have an extramarital affair?
I reconnected with an old school chum over a year an a half ago and for about a year, sporadically, we kept in contact. I used to invite her over a lot at first, we’d drink together and she’d stay over (in another bedroom) while my husband was away working. On the first night, she told me she was in love with me. In fact, I guessed it, and this was after I asked her all about her private life, which I wanted to know about very badly. I think I always knew. And I always had similar feelings, even if I find that hard to admit even to myself. I didn’t say anything to her because I felt I would have been betraying my marriage, and I am not gay. In fact, all I said to her when she acknowledged she was in love with me was, "I’m married, ____."
Before I had a child and married his father, I asked her to make love to me, a decade before this all happened. She didn’t, then, brushed it off. But, I ended up with a man, so I am straight.
I don’t believe in bisexuality as bisexuals are really gay people who because of society say they like the opposite sex and couple up with them. I told her this was what I believe.
We talked very personally, about sex often as I was wanted to know about her life and how she has sex, even if it’s not my kind of sex. That doesn’t make me gay. We slow danced twice one night before Christmas. She asked me to and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Plus, we were drunk. And then she took me into her arms as I was turning out the lamps before bed and I stayed in them for probably 2 or 3 minutes, relaxed in them. Also, she had her hand on my inner thigh once, for a long time, and I didn’t tell her to move it. I was drunk. And she rubbed/massaged my legs and feet another night, but it felt so good that I didn’t tell her to stop. And the last time she stayed over, some 6 months after we reconnected, we had a 3 hour emotional blow-up about everything.
Things were going in a direction that was not good for me, after that, so I basically stopped talking to her for a good six months until I was drunk one night after watching Grey’s Anatomy’s season premiere last year and I msged her on Facebook and wanted to call her at 1 am to resolve some things. I was drunk again. And when she called me the next day, I avoided her.
Did I cheat, or was I just curious about her? I am 100% heterosexual, and I told her this. She is gay.
I don’t think it was an affair. It was all her and her feelings for me that created this. I was just being nice and didn’t want to hurt her. I love my husband.
Thanks. I ask again so others can see and for a greater variety of answers/advice.
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Tagged with: bisexuality • christmas • contact • decade • Extramarital Affair • feelings • first night • inner thigh • lamps • last time • legs and feet • long time • love • marriage • night before christmas • old school • private life • school chum
Filed under: Catch A Cheater
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ummm, you are sadly mistaken if you dont think you are Gay. Ok, let me back step.. You may NOT be gay at all but in love with this woman. And it is possible. Especially if you’ve never had these feelings for any other woman. Just this one. You might be physically attracted to her emotionally, and physically. Let me tell you something about a drunk.. When your drunk, how you feel about someone really shows. You didnt want to move because it felt good. You didnt move away when you were turning off the light for 2-3 minutes. And although a few minutes dont seem like a long time, it’s an Eternity if it’s where you want to be which is why you didnt turn her away. Not because you didnt want to hurt her feelings. But because you wanted to be there. You wanted to dance with her, have her hand on the inside of your thigh because it felt good, rub your feel, hug and embrace you, be close to you. You two were very intimate. And anyone can tell you that intimacy between two people has NOTHING to do with having any kind of sex. And for the fact that you are entirely to intrigued with the dealing of her sex life. How, not the when and who!! And seeing as though you want to justify everything behind ‘again, i was drunk’ means nothing lady, so stop it lol If nothing else, drunk actions speaks Sober mind!! You wanted this. You can tell by the way you describe the actions between you two. And if you were that drunk, you have alot of passion and feelings behind your words for it to be just something you did while drunk. AND for the fact that it’s JUST HER..
~And you did all this while you were married.. Yes, you had an Extramarital Affair. Make no mistake. You have a full blown Emotional relationship with this woman rather you want to admit it or not. A full blown emotional relationship with some LIGHT touching but much needed deep mental longing. You might not believe in bisexuals (and, to be honest, neither do i. Bisexuals or Heterosexuals ~Any man who arches his eyebrows, waxes his body, wears lip balm and eye liner to Accent his eyes is Gay) I digress..
You might not believe in it, but it believes in you. And as i said, you might not be gay. You might just be in love with THIS woman. However the situation might be, you cheated on your husband.. !!
Not if you didnt get caught.
I think you’re very confused and have NO idea what your responsibility is towards your husband.
You’re so self-absorbed and ego driven that you didn’t mention him once. I suggest you fix this or your marriage is over.
You’re not gay, but you’re trying to pursue a relationship with a gay woman? And you’re marriage to a man… This doesn’t completely add up…
The touching rubbing massaging I see it as you cheated. If it had been a man it would also be cheating. If your husband touched a woman like your friend touched you, would you see it as cheating? Of course you would.
it is the touch you liked…nothing else..even if a male would have touched you there you would have not told him to stop, so next time invite a male and see exactly what you are missing in your marriage..sometimes when your so lonely you will take what ever is given at the time….
Did you have an affair? Not per say, however you did grab the gray zone by not stepping away from the caress, by not pushing away her hand from your thigh and not putting a stop to the massage.
Sounds to me like you were having an "emotional affair" with your friend. She is/was giving you attention that you want, and seems to keep coming back for more every time you dangle a bit of attention in her direction (a co-dependant behavior). Which is NOT healthy for her for you to continue doing. In all honesty, it seems that you are just a bit narcissistic (in my opinion), and truly enjoy the attention; but you blame "being drunk" as the reason for your behavior and for "letting" her lavish attention on you. I think that it’s time for you to do a deep look inside yourself and see what truly is behind the attention seeking. Do you feel that you aren’t getting enough attention from your husband? Or perhaps you feel that he doesn’t love you as much as he may have at one time? Try spending a little one on one romantic time with your husband - instead of your friend.
I think you sound desparately lonely.
i think you are gay you are just making up excuses for yourself to convince yourself you are straight. I think you should either tell your husband what happened and be prepared for the consequences or never tell him and NEVER do it again. then again if you truly are gay you wont be happy in that marriage.
Goodluck!
You seem to be quite confused about your sexuality. First of all, whether you believe in bisexuality or not, it sounds like you are bicurious. You were at one time interested in having sex with another woman, and you get turned on by this one particular woman. I myself would not consider myself to be homosexual, but I find that I can be attracted to other women (mentally and physically). I think the fact that we are human sets up apart from all other animals when it comes to sex. We have the ability and the need to connect with others on a mental and emotional level. The issue with this is that men and women share qualities. You are probably attracted to qualities of this woman that you would also find attractive in another man.
I wouldn’t worry so much about whether you are bisexual or not - that is not the issue. The issue is "are you attracted to her?". You are married and so any further contact with her while you hold these strong feelings would be wrong. If you pictured her as a man, and had these feelings, you wouldn’t think twice about the fact that it could lead to an affair. I think you are confused and have done nothing wrong as of yet, but you need to keep yourself out of future trouble.
It is not wrong for two women to have feelings for each other. Sure you love her as a friend and sometimes sex is a way of expressing your love. Just having that feeling. You have the memories and if they give you a good feeling you will find it is only a special love and it best just to keep it to yourself. But always cherish that special and different kind of love. By all means don’t be ashamed. You are only human.
you’ve asked this question from your point of view, from her point of view and many questions about sexuality and cheating… - on at least 3 different profiles. i totally get that you are confused. but seeing how i have put a lot of thought into this situation you need to listen very closely.
first yes there was an inappropriateness between the 2 of you that your husband will not appreciate. i will call it an emotional affair despite you being in denial of your emotions. but think about it you would not be revisiting this over and over if you did not have feelings for her. so either you are bi, or just flat out gay. there is nothing wrong with that but you need to get your head out of your butt and stop being in denial. you are denying yourself the opportunity to be happy. and your children and your husband will get over it and accept it. in fact i bet he already knows. i believe you do love him, but you will never be fulfilled with him and so then neither will he. also being drunk is an excuse, and even a slightly good one to hide behind in your situation. but it is only an excuse for you so you can stay in denial. good luck with this. i hope you come to realize what it is you are missing in your life so you can be happy.