How do you handle when your spouse cheated AFTER you did?
Trying to make a long story short. 3 years ago, I cheated on my wife when I was in Iraq. While I was there, I did’nt think twice about it but upon my return, my concious got the better of me and I told her. Came to find out, she admitted that she had slept with another WOMAN! Being a man, it did not bother me one bit and I blew it off and even asked her to have her come over sometime. Well, she said she "felt" I was doing something and she got caught up in emotions. Just for the record, I knew she was bi, so like I said, no big deal. With what I did, she decided to stay and salvage our marriage with all the hurt that she had in her heart.
Things were different, to say the least, but she tried where I was just "comfortable". I did not stray anymore but did not look or feel the same way about her the way she did about me. It came to a head a couple months ago when she got tired of trying and said she was going to leave, I told her "bye" because that’s what I "thought" I wanted.
Boy was I wrong!
We were seperated for about a month and I flat out asked her had she slept with anyone. It floored me when she said "YES"! I could not believe it! In my mind, it was OK for me but not for her and I was devastated! When I asked her why she explained that she had met him and one thing led to another and that she had felt "dirty" afterwards. Then she said although she regreted doing she also wanted me to feel the "hurt" that she felt when I did it 3 years ago.
It has been 2 months since we got back together and things, to be honest, are better than when we met 12 years ago! We look at each other after work like we have not seen each other in month. The love is truly back.
My question is this, if you have read this far, lol, is how does the male ego deal with this? I do not hate, blame or even hold this against her because I did it first. When she first told me, it made me sick to my stomach that someone else had what was mine. What she did does not cross my mind alot but when it does, I get a little depressed. Like she told me, you NEVER forget, you just have to deal. She has dealt with it for 3 years, and I admire her for that. I have only had to deal for 3 months. We are meant to be and are VERY happy now, I just need suggestions on how to deal with it when it crosses my mind.
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Tagged with: 3 years • being a man • concious • emotions • heart • iraq • lol • love • male ego • marriage • salvage • sick to my stomach
Filed under: Infidelity Warning Signs
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Have you tried couples counseling? Do you all attend a church where you could talk to the Pastor? You have to look at the fact that she is back with YOU, holding YOU, and loving YOU! Obviously that guy wasn’t SH*T because she is not with him. Just try to keep doing what you are doing…loving her everyday, making her feel special, giving it to her really good in the bedroom and more than likely she will not stray again. The past is gone so let it go…live for today…and hope for a beautiful tomorrow. Good Luck and stay strong!
You may think you are happy but not dealing with the game playing will bite you both in the butt if you do not deal with it .
Ok, first things first, you and your wife are a buncha whores!
Another thing, whom did you cheat on your wife with in Iraq?
Anyways, "When she first told me, it made me sick to my stomach that someone else had what was mine."
It hurts doesn’t it?
Wow. Well, try to come to terms with the fact that you both made mistakes and you want to make this marriage work. You can’t undo what you did any more than she can undo what she did. All you can do is put your head down and plow through. You felt like garbage for what you did, and so did she. Forgive each other, never EVER do it again, and move on. Make a fresh start. You will get a little depressed from time to time because you can’t stop thinking about it once in a while, but realize that she is going through the same thing. When in doubt, go to a counselor together. It can never hurt.
When you figure that one out let me know.
You just have to accept it and let it go.
Can’t change the past.
Sometimes it’s fine, sometimes it’s not.
Let it cross your mind and be happy that it bothers you. Sometimes pain is a reminder that we are alive. Emotional pain lets us know we are not emotionally dead. So….when you think about someone else having what was "yours" just think how that will never happen again because you love, cherish and respect her that she will never have a need to look anywhere else. Keep talking and being together in your relationship. Always be honest and always ask her how she is doing. Best wishes on a happy new start.
DEAL WITH IT OR GET A DIVORCE
idk.lol
but it was ur fault dat coz it 2 happen.
Well your male ego is going to have to get over itself, to put it bluntly. Honestly, you both lost any ‘righteous’ footing as soon as either of you were unfaithful. Both of you feel horrible for what you’ve done and you should – you both broke a sacred vow you made to one another and only felt guilt once you faced the one that it truly hurt. I’m hard pressed to feel much anything but disappointment with how the two of you handled this, but the redeeming thing is it appears both of you do want to recapture the true meaning of being husband and wife.
You are right when you can forgive, but one never forgets. It seems to me you have not fully forgiven what has been done. You might not be mad at her, but you seem (or the male ego as you put it) to be holding on to a little resentfulness over the way things played out.
Best thing to do is talk about it. The distance and lack of communication to your wife led you astray in Iraq, where you were unfaithful to her. The distance your wife had of you and the numerous gossiping of other people about soldiers sexual conduct overseas got to her and led her to someone else’s arms. It was a form of retaliation and when that did not get the result she wanted, she tried again with something you could actually get offended over – another man. I see a lot of immature choices here, but again, if you’re making the mature choice to stay together and faithful as a couple, then that is forgivable.
The way to deal with it when you think about it is to talk about it. If you feel the two of you have talked about what has happened to the point there is nothing left to talk about, I suggest you seek counseling. If you go to a church, a pastor can generally be a free marriage counselor for you both and will help you face difficult questions you may inadvertently be avoiding or may not have thought to discuss. Regardless, pastor or no, you should get counseling as soon as possible to really make this new outlook on your married life to stick.
Good Luck.
Im glad i read this. She is right about 1 thing, you NEVER forget. If you 2 love each other so much then dont let it get to you when it crosses your mind, when it does distract yourself doing something else becuase it can affect you relationship. Anyway, im glad i read this becuase i broke up with my b/f of 5 yrs 6 wks ago, then he slept with someone 2 wks later, we are trying to work things out but right now its still fresh in my head and i feel like i can never forgive him. But now i have hope…. since you said now you are happier than ever. Im scared that we will not get there again. But like i said do not waste time thinking about it and when it crosses ur head, distract yourself. What is done is done, you just have to deal with it if you want to be with her, if it bothers you too much then you should separate.
When her infidelity hits you over the head and overwhelms you, and you think you cannot stand it - remember - she feels exactly the same about your infidelity!
Take comfort in the fact that you are both in the same boat and are working it out - and have found a new, albeit different love and appreciation for each other.
Good luck to both of you!
Some people have a hard time putting themselfs in other peoples shoes. You honestly never thought how you might feel if she slepted with another man? If you did, then i’m not sure why you would sleep with another woman knowing how it would make you feel. That’s karma,,,it is so humbling