desperate wife - thoughts of extramarital affair
Ive devoted 12 years to my husband. This year was the year of finding myself: I communicated to him that I was lacking affection from him (I have not been kissed in 5 years). he said he couldnt do that and he wouldnt change - refused counselling as well. We have stopped intercourse 6 months ago. After being rejected 20x I asked him what was wrong he said "im just not interested anymore"…
I asked for a separation, he said no way. so here we are - living like room mates (I work during the day - he works at night, day off our different).
I started working out at the gym, quit smoking - am really focusing on myself…. one little issue: I am madly attracted to a gentlemen at the gym……
my question: WHEN is it ok to cheat on your spouse?
It would satisfy my needs but rip my morals apart and yet im torn right now anyway… For many reasons, I can not leave my current relationship. (we cant sell the house, i dont have the money and he kind of wont let me) so please dont lecture me.
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Tagged with: affection • Desperate Wife • Extramarital Affair • gentlemen • intercourse • money • morals • relationship • room mates
Filed under: Catch A Cheater
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Well, I’m not going to join the chorus of self rightous posters who wail that cheating is wrong no matter what. They likely haven’t had to suffer the dark void of being in a passionless relationship feeling alone, helpless and in a place without hope - every single day and night.
We are all human, and need to be loved. And you never thought that being married would feel so lonely… I’m very happy that you’ve been turning that into a positive at the gym and cleaning up your health.
I am going to recommend you not have an affair. Not for your husband, the sanctity of marriage, or any other reason than for yourself. You’ve worked hard to gain back your self respect. An affair would throw it all away. You deserve better than that.
Leaving is difficult, but honestly can you imagine spending the rest of your life this way? It’s time to not ask for a separation, but to inform your husband of one. Once you are on your own and healed you can enjoy all that life, and love has to offer without the oppressive cloud of this marriage hanging over you.
Hey, I have a great idea–why not ditch your husband before you start testing the waters? I believe "alienation of affection" is a legal term and is grounds for divorce.
No matter what you tell yourself, you know it’s wrong. Don’t do it! Talk to your pastor about it.
join the club.. I’ve been with many married women in my college years… they are always greatful and thatnksfull for the mind blowing experience…. I suggest you go for it.. then once you are satisfied.. go back to business as usual…
either have an low-tuned affair to teach him a lesson…if you fall in love with another man live with that person and file a divorse
Just cheat on him you will feel better. If I were in your situation then I would and since you two have completely different schedules he will never find out. It’s as easy as pie.
Sit down with him and talk about the issue. I don’t know why you won’t divorce him if you are truly THIS unhappy; he doesn’t have to agree to a separation, and he can’t prevent you from getting a divorce. But if you’ve made up your mind to stay in this situation no matter what, let him know that you will be looking for hanky-panky on the side. He’s probably getting it elsewhere already. Open relationships are perfectly fine.
It is never alright to cheat. Once you are a cheater you will always be a cheater. You might as well have CHEATER branded on your forehead.
Stop making excuses and get the marriage legally ended. Make it happen.
Maybe you don’t have to cheat on your husband — it’s not cheating if you have permission. So, tell him you have a prospect and want to give it a go, and since he doesn’t want sex anymore, that’s OK, right? It seems to me like that might be a good compromise situation for both of you. Be sure to emphasize to him that this benefits him too by making you happier and also less likely to nag him for sex.
I understand you desires to be with this other man, and I feel your trapped in a loveless relationship. To maintain your sanity you need to follow through with your desires. Hopefully this other man is single or divorced, but if not, your both filling each others needs. Congratulations on the stop smoking thing, if you keep up this work out schedule you going to be fighting off many more men. Good luck.
it’s never ok to cheat on your spouse; no matter what. you need to give him an ultimatum: go to counseling or give you a divorce.
It is never ok to cheat on your spouse. If he doesn’t want to give you what you need or doesn’t want to get help on fixing the situation. Than you should get a divorce and than go be with the guy at the gym.
You can pretty much rationalize anything if you want it bad enough. It is never okay to break your vows. You do not want to anyway. You want to remain morally good and not cross that line. If you truly want a better life then make the move and do it. You can do what you want. File for divorce and let the chips fall where they may. Eventually he will have to respond to the papers and move on. Don’t make excuses why you can’t leave. It just means you really don’t want to leave.
5 years with no kissing? Why didn’t you say something at year 1? Before you start banging the guys at the gym, invite your husband to work out with you. Don’t give up yet. And if you really want to be separated then file for separation and start banging away.
You sand very an happy and need to get out ASAP….
He wont let you… that is why there is the cort.
you cant sell the houes… well then rent it out.
I understand why you feel the way you do-but youre kidding yourself if you belive that it’s ever "ok" to cheat on your spouse. I think you already know that. Keep your integrity.
Fix your situation before you start sleeping around with others, if and when he finds out its more ammo for him when the divorce do arrive. Plus sex would be better without that on your shoulders. Besides, its not the just the sex part, its you wanting to be happy again.
Unlike women, guys are least likely to speak about their emotions. It could be the job, the kids, the everyday pressures of life thats depleting his sexual drive. You need something to get his mind off of responsiblity for a day or two and date your husband. Get a babysitter if you have kids and go away for the weekend and date each other often.
What do you mean by "he won’t let you"? You can file for divorce without his permission and without him knowing that you’re doing it. Make sure you get things in order first such as: a place to live (with a friend or family), plan the day that you will move your stuff out of the house when he’s not home, save some money, talk with an attorney and get the paperwork started, etc. When you have this done it will be easier for you to move on with your life. The day you give him the divorce papers is the day to move forward with any other interests you might have. That way he can’t tell everyone you left because you cheated. Good luck!
WOW I have sorta been in the same boat I can feel your pain and yes the LAST thing you want is a lecture.
Cheating may help you figure out what it is that you are missing and help you realize that you HAVE to get out of the relationship in order to be truely happy. I haved not done this yet but am coming closer to taking that step because I do not want to live the rest of my life without an explosive sexual relationship, effection and attention. I have also lived with the pain of rejection and it hurts.
I am sorry that there is someone else going through the same thing. Good luck n save yourself if you can.
He kinda won’t let you? are you kidding me? Who does he think he is your ‘dad’? It’s obvious that he has control over you and you do what he says. Why are you staying in a relationship that doesn’t exist? It’s probably convinient for him for you to be around so you can clean and cook for him, don’t you get it? If your man is not pleasing you and making you feel like a woman why would you stick around? I don’t wanna hear the million excuses and the money factor is bs. Don’t you have friends that can support you and help you out? can’t you go stay with family and friends until you can save up and get on your own feet? you are depending on this man too much, im sorry to be blunt. You need to learn how to be independent! He obviously told you flat out he is not interested in you and isn’t making any effort to get help! So why are you staying around? Get some confidence, move on! Move out with friends/family and start dating the guy you like!
Why haven’t you left then.. If you are focusing on your self and taking care of you then why haven’t you left.. Obviously your husband doest want you.. Its time to leave, your already independent then you wont have a problem leaving..
Well you are full of excuses for not being able to leave the relationship so I’m afraid no one can help u but yourself.
It’s never "ok" to cheat on your spouse. The house, not having money, he won’t let me are all EXCUSES to avoid taking action. The house can in fact be sold (perhaps for a loss) and if he didn’t want to sell it he could buy your stake out (or agree to sell it in years to come & provide you the proceeds from the sale). Not having money, well if you want the best attorney ya it costs but you don’t absolutely need it if you are’nt dealing with a lot of issues (property settlement) and you don’t need your husbands permission.
I think you have definate reasons to file for divorce, this is considered to be a reason for a divorce. Everyone needs and deserves to be loved and feel love. If he is hell bent on not changing, and has told you so, I would definatley not stay in this misery. It’s only going to make it worse. And unfortunatley enough for him, most likely he’ll have to pay alimony as you all have been together so long. I would try a ONE LAST EFFORT in talking to him about all this and about seeking counsel, and if he refuses, you’ve got to do what you have to do. Life is too short to be in a marriage where you are being treated this way for no reason. I wonder if HE is seeking this attention elsewhere. As far as having an affair, you answered that question yourself. It will rip your morals apart, you will never forgive yourself, and it’s just not who YOU are. Don’t let his ignorance cause you to do something ignorant. It’s amazing how much just a little attention can make you feel so much better, but DO NOT have an affair. It will change you forever.
It’s NEVER ok to cheat! You won’t be able to forgive yourself because it does go against your morals! Don’t use the he won’t let me as an excuse! You can leave and request half the house in the divorce! You don’t need lots of money to leave, stay with a friend or family member, go to a shelter, find some way! But don’t cheat!
It is NEVER okay. However, your situation is not unique. Is your husband controlling and/or abusive? You say "he won’t let you" and he said "no way" to a seperation. How can he stop you?
Without asking for a divorce you can seperate yourselves (although it sounds as though you already are by your schedules). You can go stay with family or friends to gather your thoughts. How can he stop you?
Counseling is strongly recommended. Have you shared how you feel and that you have even considered leaving? Communication is key. Why is he no longer interested? Is it possible HE is already having an affair himself? If he won’t go to counseling you can go without him and begin working things out with the counselor yourself.
Ask questions, communicate, and work at it. Don’t go have an affair. It is not fair to you, him, or the other guy.
Congrats on concentrating on yourself. That is wonderful! Be sure you are doing that for yourself and not him.
I am sorry for your situation but you can not try to justify bad actions because of what someone else has done. I understand you say your husband is not willing to go to counseling but it sounds to me that your communication does not exist and that is what is failing right now. I know it may be hard but you need to talk with your husband…for better or for worse (remember that part of your vows?) Cheating is not the answer and will not make things better. What is going on in your husbands life right now outside of you? There may be outside elements that have made him depressed and you may not even know it…how is his job? does he like it? how is he treated at work? He may be catching hell at home and not have anyone to turn to…To answer your question it is never ok to cheat. We as humans always want to take the easy way out when our marriages hit a bumpy road…if he won’t kiss you just kiss him! If he won’t hug you, hug him! All of us here in Yahoo answer’s don’t know the entire history of you and your husband so it is hard for us to give an opinion…These are just my opinion’s…everyone has one but the decision to what you will do is yours…
if you’re heading toward some lifestyle changes, why not make it full circle? he won’t LET u divorce him? ha - that will be the day a man does not LET me do something,. LOL.. divorcing him would probably be the most logical outcome here after all is said and done. yeah, it could take some time to unload the house etc., but it’s a process that millions of people go through every day. you have logical and valid reasons 4 divorce..he probably does not want to because it will cost him money in the end.. and of course he won’t have anyone there to count on. guys can get very comfortable that way. it is up to YOU to make a change, and ameliorate your situation. and, from the sounds of things, you might actually enjoy your life single and dating again..there can be something very freeing about that…
Go for it girl!! I’m in the same situation and I’m tired of being unhappy so as Kenny Rogers once said "You gotta know when to hold em,know when to fold em know when to walk away when the dealings done" You told him you weren’t happy and nothings changed so just do it!!
although I sympathize with your situation, I don’t think it’s ever ok to cheat on a spouse. I think you need a divorce, because what you have is not a marriage by ANY stretch of the imagination. If he won’t grant one, leave. Start your life anew. After you leave, then you’re not in a relationship anymore and free to do whatever you like.
Cheating is NEVER the answer.
Go pound the guy at the gym, enjoy.
You NEED a lecture. You are acting like you need your husband’s permission to leave him. That sure worked out, didn’t it?
Just pack a bag, leave, get an attorney and file for divorce. You’ll get half the assets even if you’re a crack ho.
I wouldn’t dream of lecturing you, my dear. I’m sorry for what you’re going through! If your finances allowed it, would you get a divorce? If your hubby says he’s not interested in you, why not ask him what he thinks that means. Are you allowed to date other men? Is he allowed to date other women? Or would that just be way too difficult for the two fo you? If he says he still loves you and wants to work things out, then use that man at the gym as a good masturbatory fantasy for now, and see how things progress with your husband. In the meantime, just start getting your smiling on with the hot guy. Why not? A little smile is not cheating!
first of all - GOOD FOR YOU!!! You quit smoking, started working out…how great! It is wonderful that you’ve begun to encourage yourself, and love yourself. MAJOR KUDOS to YOU!!!!!
secondly - since your husband has no problem telling you blatantly that he cannot be affectionate with you simply because he’s "just not interested anymoe"…you can blatantly tell him that you ARE interested…in the man at the gym. tell him since he will not give you your separation, he does not have the right to hold up your life, and that you wish to start seeing other people.
he sounds like just the jerk that would agree.
Right On, Sister!!!
I have to agree, go jump the guy at the gym. You never know, it may just light the fires at home too
Just be careful and enjoy yourself. Lay down the ground rules and boundaries with your lover and stick to them. Whatever you do, don’t lose your head…..just live a double life carefully. I know most people do not understand you but I do. Some of us have needs not being met at home but we do not want to disrupt our families so we get sex, love and emotional connections outside of marriage.
Good luck
Unless you live in a state where both parties have to sign the divorce papers for the judge to grant a divorce, then there is nothing stopping you.
As a court order, a house can be sold in the case of a divorce.
If you haven’t money - get a job, find family/friends that you can stay with temporarily until you are on your feet.
Seek Counseling - whether you file for divorce, you and your husband NEED it - even if he won’t go, you go!
You never mentioned children - IF you have an affair, he can file for divorce due to your infidelity and file for custody of them on the grounds of you being an unfit parent. Think about that Before you decide to have an affair!
Blessings
i will say morally it is never ok to cheat on your spouse however i am not a highly moral person so i would not cast stones at you for adultery if it is what you really want to do ultimately only you know what you can live with and you do have a choice right or wrong if you go through with it at least plan ahead for divorce because you can get by for a while sneaking around but people that live together for a long time can feel a change in the home life atmosphere and it is just a matter of time before suspicions arise and you get caught or accused of it even if you haven’t got caught also there is the matter of him being pigheaded and refusing divorce he can’t stop a divorce if you really want it and if both names are on the house then a sale could be forced or he will have to pay your part if you left so if you are going to stay with him then you need to be satisfied so i say go for it do what you need to do but be discreet and careful also be warned there may consequences how will he react if he finds out or worse catches you in the act
Get on with this guy at the gym. What are you waiting for.. you have confided, spoken and shared your need and unhappiness. Your husband is a poo. Don’t be a nun because your man is acting like a bum. It’s only one life and dont fritter it away.
Go and have a ball. But take precautions, don’t get used by the other guy too. Let him know you are interested but don’t actively hunt.. at least till you are sure he is equally interested.
Also, not to get full of remorse and confess to your hubby. Going by what you have described him to be .. "not interested in you but wont let you go either types", he will use your confession against you and act the injured party.
best of luck.
I’m sorry for your pain, however I say go do the nasty with the guy at the gym.. signed "guy at the gym" hehe
It is natural to be attracted to other men… especially those that have six-pack abs and bulging pects…
You have your needs, and although you may not realize it, he has his. I don’t believe that an asexual person exists. Honestly, you may have to do a little research to tickle his fancy, and be willing to get outside of your comfort zone. There are lots of book options for ideas, (I am partial to those based on tantra because I have found them to be practical if you can look past the mysticism). He does have his needs, unless there is a physiological problem. If you act on his deepest fantasy, and he still wants to watch WWE, this might be a sign. If he has a physiological or psychological problem, you will have to, as delicately as possible, convince him to go to a doctor.
Bottom Line: You might be giving up too easily. If you love him, he’s worth a little effort, especially if you have kids. If you are wallowing in a pool of indifference, try the above anyways, frustration has a way of building up and coloring your views.
Final thought: Consider all the consequences of your actions. Affairs can cause tremendous emotional carnage for all involved. They are a slippery and dangerous slope to traverse. Remember this.
Listen, if your marrage had got to this stage, then you have all rights to fulfill your needs. Maybe if your husband gets a hint that you may be having an affair, he may change or give you the opportunity to leave. By all means go for it and have fun
I completely understand and relate to the "haven’t been kissed"…
That is why I am meeting my lover this Friday, for the first time I will be passionately kissed….
hi and hello….care to meet for real fun…without commitment….erm, just like part time lover to your need only……..first get to know what your desired needed and i do all that i can ….