Is it true that, no matter how well-established the parties in play, divorce brings out the inner-trash in us?

I thought it was too good to be true, and it was. My divorce, I’m talking about, earlier in the year, where it sped through, uncontested, where I gave up a lot of material things in order to get primary custody of our two kids. Things went so smoothly, Claire and I even moved back in together, up until a week ago, trying to reconcile.

I’m a college professor. She’s a lawyer. I was quite pompous in believing that our divorce had gone so smoothly because, frankly, we were better than most other people. But, alas, I was wrong. And, lately, it’s a "Jerry Springer Show" kind of wrong.

It turned out, her former boyfriend (the guy she had cheated on me with that led to the divorce) and an accomplice jumped me, I ended up in the hospital for two weeks, Claire, pregnant with a baby that could be mine but is probably the boyfriend’s, barely visited in that time, instead continuing her campaign for elective office, even taking a job at Walmart as a greeter "to meet voters," and, upon coming out of my coma, I found my former girlfriend, who’s pregnant, likely with my baby, there at my hospital bedside. Krystka had sold all the gifts I had given her to come back to America, leaving her fiancée in Poland, because she had heard that I was hurt.

So I boot Claire, bring back Krystka, have a baby that’s likely mine, and live happily ever after, right?

Well, it hasn’t been that easy. The one thing we hadn’t really thought much about, because Krystka was deported to a country with socialized medicine and my employer is pretty liberal with its benefits plan, is the health insurance I was providing for Claire while she was living with me. Claire, because she is running for office, is on leave from her employer and may be off my plan if I swap Krystka on there. I do want Krystka to be on my plan, which was described as the "Mercedes-Benz of health plans" by a government corruption watchdog group, considering that her baby is likely mine, as I was with her during the period where she was likely to have conceived. The neonatal care she had in Poland, I’m sure, was more like the "Yugo of health plans."

Claire called me yesterday and called me every name in the book. She said that I’m being "punitive." I told her that Walmart is said to have a health benefits plan.

"Pul-lease," she said. "Have you seen the people who work at Walmart? There’s a cashier there with exploding boils on her face. She just had a kid with webbed fingers and toes. I don’t know who’d hit that, and I don’t want to know, but SHE is on the health plan there. Enough said."

In any case, she said that what her boyfriend did to me was just "the tip of a really big iceberg" if I pull her bennies and "give it to that little Polish tramp. She’ll get it, too."

I’m talking with HR tomorrow to clarify the insurance situation, but my question today is more general in nature:

Did you think your divorce would go smoothly because you and your former spouse were mature, well-established people, only to have it devolve into the same trash practically every divorce goes through?

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