Subtle Signs of a Cheating Husband?
I’ve seen many questions on this subject but few answers seem to fit my situation. My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and we have a 1 year old child together. I suddenly noticed a certain distance between us that I hadn’t realized had cropped up about 2 months ago. We’ve only been together a short time but up until about three months ago we had sex multiple times a week. Now we have sex maybe once a week if that. He has a bad tooth ache from a tooth we haven’t been able to get removed (unisnsured) and he blames any tiredness or lack of desire on that (which is understandable). However we are also lacking in other areas of intimacy i.e. less kissing and cuddling than before, which could be because we are both busy and have a one year old. The thing that worries me is that when I try to raise the issue of our lack of intimacy, and the fact that he almost never initiates sex anymore, he kind of side steps the question, telling me nothing is wrong. But I feel like something IS wrong. We share one cell phone and he doesn’t use the computer so I can’t find any technological signs of cheating. Plus we don’t have credit cards and we share one bank account. I think he’s too smart to leave condom wrappers around, to come home smelling like someone elses shampoo or to even jump straight in the shower after being out. These are signs I wouldn’t even look for because if he is cheating, I don’t think he’d make mistakes like this. His first wife cheated on him and he has always been velhelmently against it, threatening to tell his friend’s girlfriends when he sees his friends displaying interest in some tramp. I noticed the biggest sign yet last night. We were having sex and I was giving him oral. I didn’t notice at first but I gradually became aware that he tasted vaguely like a condom. Now I’m not sure if I was right. I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to confront him with out a more substantial kind of evidence. What else should I be looking for? Is there some kind of possiblity I’m not aware of that would make him taste different? How can I possibly confront him with this? I’ve been cheated on before and I’ve jumped to conclusions before. I don’t want to make a mistake.
Thanks for all the answers so far. Yes I believe I can be a bit paranoid (especially given past history) and after the overwhelming number of responses that I sound paranoid, I’m going to chalk this one up to that for now unless I really see something substantial. On a related note though, I am not a total jerk. He is taking pain medication and antiboitics for the tooth until we can save half the cost of the surgery (he can’t have it extracted, it has to be cut out). Also, I think we haven’t been together long enough for me to experience the ebb and flow of sex drive in our relationship so every one has very valid points. I guess I posted this question because my initial reaction last night was to bury my head in the sand and forget it and I didn’t want to be one of those women who ignores something until it bites her on the @$$ you know?
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You have no concrete proof. You acknowledge that cheating would be extremely out of character for your husband, and that there are other explanations for his inattentiveness. This sounds like paranoia, and you need to nip it in the bud: not by ignoring it, but by removing the cause. Tell your husband that he can’t keep claiming "nothing is wrong" when your lack of intimacy is stirring up all kinds of insecurities for you, and the two of you need to work together to address it. I’d suggest starting by looking for some low-cost dental clincs with good installment plans; maybe he just doesn’t feel very sexy with a rotting tooth, and the guilt that he can’t take care of it compounds things.
I think you may be a bit paranoid. Your are thinking about it too much and your mind can play tricks on you. Making you think your senses detected the condom taste. I wouldnt confront him about this, you may make him angry. The first 2 years of marriage is great…then it always starts to lag and eventually the spark dulls. Not saying your marriage will end…it just wont be as exciting.
Honestly you don’t have proof…and Him tasting like a condom might be you uncoinsciouly thinking about it while giving him oral….Honestly this si a wait and see situation because you ahve NO proof and as you said you don’t want to jump to conclusion. What I would do i pay close attention to him now.
Are you sure he tasted like a condom? And it just wasn’t sweat? The reason I ask is because condom taste will fill your mouth with the rubber taste alot. I’d hate to see you start a huge fight over nothing. If he is so against cheating, do you honestly think he would do it? I don’t know him, but most guys that are completely against something, won’t do it. A toothache can knock you on your butt, and make you feel like crap, so I can see where he is coming from there. After my first child was born, our sex life went down, I wanted it he didn’t. Like you, I thought the worst, I accused him of cheating, and it almost ruined our marriage. Looking back I can see there is no way he could have cheated, he went to work, came home, we shared the account, and if in the off chance he did go out with his friends, he would take me with him. And if I didn’t want to go, he would tell me everything that happened that night. Look deep inside, what does your gut tell you? Not to be mean to guys, but some of them aren’t that smart, you would think there would be more clues if he was cheating on you.
You have no evidence whatsoever that he is cheating. He could just be down because of the toothache, it really is horrible and would make anyone feel down! I wouldn’t be crazy for sex if I was in constant pain. One other thing you said made me laugh though, the tasted like a condom thing. Many years ago I was going down on my then boyfriend, I noticed a strong smell of rubber and went absolutely crazy. Only after an hour of drama did I remember that I had been cleaning up wearing rubber gloves! Boy did I feel stupid. I don’t think he is cheating, be very sure before you say something you may regret.
Every thing you describe has a valid explanation. Unfortunately there is no sure fire way to know if the subtle clues mean something or not. Short of catching him in the act you may never be able to prove to yourself he is or isn’t cheating.
I guess I would start by saving every dime you have so he can have his tooth fixed. Having a tooth pulled shouldn’t be that expensive. Then once that is fixed see if he returns to normal. I know we all react differently to pain and if his tooth is that sore it can affect him in all kinds of way. Some dentists will even take payments.
Other than that I don’t know what to say to look for. sorry..
Okay, I think that you may be overreacting. His lack of being intimate, very well could be from the tooth pain. also, sometimes, guys just go through phases like this. The fact that you have nothing real substantial to go on, to accuse him of cheating, makes me think that it’s just something going on inside his head that is affecting his sex drive. It is said that when a man has a lot on his mind, or is stressed out for whatever reason, it most of the time, first, affects his sex drive. I would not jump to conclusions on this, as you don’t want to hurt his feelings, or make him withdraw. If you are really seeing signs that something like cheating is going on, then come out and question him or let him know your concerns. The fact that you say he tasted like a condom, well, I just think that it is a possibility that your mind is messing with you. There is probably some insecurity in you somewhere, due to the fact that you have been cheated on before. He doesn’t sound like a cheater to me, but, i don’t know him either. If you do really still suspect something, or you find something out, I suggest reading the book, " Love Must Be Tough". In fact, another book, "Every Heart Restored", will help you get over the fact that you have been cheated on in the past.
Top 9 signs your spouse is cheating
You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, something is not right but you can’t quite figure out what that feeling is about. Your spouse has become distant, he/she is working late on a regular basis or, maybe your spouse has moved out of the house with no explanation. You suspect there may be someone else but every time you bring it up with your spouse, he/she denies the possibility. All the signs are there but you don’t have any proof.
So, pay attention to the signs and your instinct but, be careful and don’t confuse signs with proof.
1. "I’m not in love with you anymore."
If you hear these words, a big warning bell should go off. This is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. Your spouse may have a deep, loving bond with you but, intense feelings of passion can override the bond with you and cause your spouse to loose sight of his/her true feelings. The cheating spouse will develop what I call hormone - induced amnesia. The surging hormones and passion they feel in their new relationship can cause some very skewed thinking.
2. “We are just friends.”
This is also another very predictable statement that will come from a cheating spouse. If your spouse is spending more and more time with this new “friend” then there is probably more to it than mere friendship. Your spouse may feel they have a lot in common with this person, that this person understands them and things they are going through. Whatever the reasons for the friendship, it’s a big warning sign and one you should take seriously.
3. A sudden need for privacy.
If things the two of you used to share openly suddenly become private pay attention cause something is probably up. He/she may start password protecting computer activity. Cell phone and credit card bills may be hidden. If you ask why or attempt to find out information that used to be common knowledge between the two of you, you will be accused of snooping or trying to control your spouse. Big warning sign
4. “I need some space to figure my feelings for you.”
Men and women who are involved with someone else will request more space, time alone or away from the family. They may say it is due to confusion over their feelings or stress at work. This can be a sign that there is someone else and the spouse is trying to figure out ways to have more freedom.
5. Regular work habits change.
Working late, going to work at odd hours or, putting in more time than is normal on work related issues can be indications that a spouse is cheating.
6. Spending a large amount of time on the computer.
In today’s world, with modern technology, a person looking for an affair doesn’t even have to leave their home. The ease of internet chat rooms, online dating sites and secret email accounts has caused an alarming increase in emotional affairs.
If your spouse is online more than usual, hanging out in chat rooms and visiting pornographic websites then you have reason to be alarmed.
7. Secretive phone calls and more time spent on the phone.
Emotional affairs occur primarily via the phone, especially cell phones. If you find your spouse hanging up suddenly when you enter the room or erasing the history on the cell phone and becoming defensive when asked about it, then you might want to check your phone records
.
8. Behavior that just doesn’t add up.
Not being where he/she was expected to be. Missing time they can’t explain. Money that isn’t accounted for. Receipts for things you don’t have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.
9. Your Own fears and suspicions
If you find yourself looking for excuses for your spouse’s behavior or trying to convince yourself that they would never cheat then that is a warning sign. Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong.
If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you’ve found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become excellent liars. People who never told a lie before in their lives.
Trust your gut instinct but get hard, cold proof also.
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I would say hold off on any accusations until the tooth is taken care of. I know I would certainly never feel in the mood if I had a bad tooth. My husband a year ago chipped his tooth, and a nerve was surfaced. We had to wait a few days for his appointment, but in the meantime he was extremely exhausted, tired, and the last thing he wanted to do was anything that involved opening his mouth. Even when he got it fixed, a few weeks after he was still coming over it. The tooth ache should be a good reason why he hasn’t kissed you much lately.
You have no signs, really you don’t. The fact that he tastes like a condom doesn’t prove anything. You said it yourself, you didn’t notice it at first. Trust me, if there was a condom in usage, and you could taste it at all, you would taste it the moment you started. I gave mine oral after we did it with a condom, and a day later he still tasted like it, I could even smell the condom. You have a distinct plastic taste, there is no mistaking it, and it would be the first thing you would taste.
Just relax a bit. Just because you two aren’t doing it so often does not mean he is cheating on you. Me and my hubby go in cycles. When we were first together, we were rabbits. Now (after 7 years) we go through cycles of doing it a lot in the same week, to doing it maybe once a week. My husband has muscle problems, so our breaks are only really because of his muscle problems, and I can earnestly wait until his body feels up to par.
Like I said at the beginning, hold of being worried until after the tooth is fixed and he is healed. The fact that you have slightly mentioned the lack of things he usually does might even make him feel less than a man, and maybe even freak out that you might leave him because he cannot satisfy you, especially since he HAS had it happen. Just take things slow, calm down, and hold off worrying until after the tooth.
Sometimes we men get distracted…work…family…sports…economy…politics..or all of the above. He could simply be going through a tough patch…we all are right now. Have a conversation with him..you know him well. You can be suspicious..and vigilant..but don’t hurt his feelings or make him defensive. He may actually need a little attention…a quiet dinner…a movie…some distraction to take his mind off of everything else..Try this first….you both have a lot invested in your relationship and we all have hard times….patient
You sound paranoid. He is probably tired of you checking up on him and staying home all day while he is working. There many reasons a person can lose interest in sex.
1. You might not be sexy enough.
2. You have let yourself go.
3. You are too clingy.