Did you let your spouse's affair progress because you were caught up in your own little world?
I’ve been posting on this site for what, six months now? And in retrospect, looking at my earlier posts, I perhaps should have seen my wife’s affair with a lowly, tatted up, mullet-sporting security guard at her law office coming. But one could say I was caught up in "my own little world."
My relationship with the au pair, Krystka, while not physical, was becoming emotional. The repressed passion came out in my artwork — and sales were down, as people don’t buy repressed passion to hang adjacent to their huge plasma screens in their oversized living rooms. People want safe and "normal" paintings, which is what I did paint before I started opening up emotionally to Krystka. But the shaky finances that resulted gave me a few grey hairs that won’t go away now, though Krystka is gone now.
Looking back, I missed all the obvious signs that my wife was drifting, and her job was becoming stressful, too, as I was caught up with a paramour. Is an affair ever caused by the non-cheating spouse?
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Tagged with: artwork • au pair • cheating spouse • grey hairs • job • Mullet • Own Little World • Paint • paintings • paramour • passion • plasma screens • relationship • retrospect • Sales People • security guard • shaky finances • signs • six months
Filed under: Catch A Cheater
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Reality, I think people are tempted to stray when there isn’t a support for them and they feel all alone in the world. There is nothing that feels worse than being married singles. You work you butt off to pay bills, keep the kids happy and healthy, prepare for their future and in the moment forget the true priorities. The first one being your spouse.
The kids grow up and then it is just the two of you left. It is so easy to get busy, both parties drifting, and be very confused and lonely. We tend to take our spouses for granted after so many years, I think it starts there and both get hurt because we forget to be that cheerleader/ strong shoulder for each other or that port in the storm. Hence you had an emotional affair, and her a physical one.
I think there is a good chance you are equally hurt.
I will say the emotional affair would hurt me as much or more than an physical one would for the mere fact that it did transcend the physical for so long and the simple joys of easy intimacy you had with K. were probably very apparent to your wife.
I could overcome a visit to a hooker better if it was me.
I can’t help wonder if that is what happened to you two. Did you both get too busy and ambitious to remember to really see and hear each other.
no, your wife may have had lustful thoughts about other men but she should have gone to you to talk about the situation. full on cheating was her upmost decsion and you should not feel blame. I dont know how recent this took place and it may be hard but dont look at the closed door to long because when another one opens you wont see it.
sounds like another day on All My Children
wow
re: Is an affair ever caused by the non-cheating spouse?
No……….it’s caused by IGNORANCE!
Learn some good relationship skills (google it ) and make your next relationship better!
women want emotion. just cause it wasnt physical, you STILL CHEATED.
you didnt give it to her.
the unattractive security guard obviously knew how to give it.
no!! it was caused her doing what she wanted to do. so it is what it is.
I don’t think so.. the person that cheated has a choose of sticking it out & working on the relationship OR getting out. Cheating is never an option. If they were not happy b/c of the other persons actions then they should talk to the other person, seek help or leave.. not cheat.
And I think an emotional affair is JUST as bad as a physical one.
Your question "Did you let your spouse’s affair progress because you were caught up in your own little world?"
I contend this is not the case, marriage is based upon trust,
it is harmful to the marriage and can destroy it if you can not trust your spouse.
I also, contend that everyone can find an excuse for any behavior they want to defend. It takes a honest person to admit they were seeking instant gratification or excitement.
Ask yourself, without the knowledge you now have, what in all honestly could have been done to prevent her from making her own choice in this matter. She is not a child that behavior is dictated to, she is an adult and made her own decision. The decision belongs to her, she owns it.
It is you choice on what you do with this knowledge. And often the choice is easier if it was not a long term affair, but a few encounters that ended. You may want to consider seeing a therapist to help discover what action will be mental healthful for yourself.
Well you were having an emotional affair. Some think that is worse than a physical.
Sounds like you both are getting what you deserve. You both decided to go outside of your marriage to satisfy whatever you both felt was missing & now you are paying the price. At this point, it really doesn’t matter who is to blame for the affairs- now you need to decide what it is you want to do about it. You don’t mention if you both are still together or have gone your seperate ways- assuming you are still together- you both need to get some sort of counseling to figure out what you both want in your relationship & how to rectify all the damage that has been done. I would think that the broken trust that has been caused by both affairs would be your major focus- without trust the relationship will be doomed. If you two have decided to end the relationship than your focus should be on why you two chose to run the relationship into the ground instead of trying to work on your marriage not, on whose fault it was. Hope things work out the way you wish them to- take care!
It sounds to me that things in a reality are catching up to you both…While an emmotional affair is in many ways as bad as a physical affair…It is her that stepped out and did the deed. You spend alot of time analyzing things about your ex-wife…You have movie nights still, which recently went into much more, and things seem to continue in limbo for you two. WHY? That is really the question you need to ask yourself..because if your marriage is truly over…you BOTH need to move on…if not, get some counseling, and get back together…:You can both be wonderful parents to your children divorced, or together, but for your sakes and those dear children, get some lines drawn, and stop treating this relationship like it is an on and off deal…Decide what you want to do, and then just do it…While ex’s can be civil…there is a reason your ex’s now…if that was a mistake, then fix it. You shouldn’t need a villiage to help you figure that one out. Take care.
Affairs are never caused by the non-cheating spouse, but they could have contributed to the circumstances leading up to it. The only person who is responsible for an affair happening would be the cheating spouse. Even the person they cheat with, though a low-life, is not responsible for causing it to happen. Your actions or inactions might have caused your wife to have certain feelings that you weren’t available to her and just didn’t care, but she didn’t have to cheat. She could have tried to get your attention or coped some other way besides breaking her marriage vows. I’d say that you were no angel, because you were in an emotional affair at the time and so, in a sense, you weren’t honoring your marriage vows, either. Even your emotional abandonment should not have caused your wife to seek comfort by having a physical affair with another man. What I’m trying to say is, you were wrong and you both made mistakes, but your wife was wrong to cheat on you, period. She realizes that now and I don’t doubt that she is very sorry for it. I think if you two are ever going to get around this, you are going to have to take it slow and easy. Get to know each other again, talk and spend time together. See if you can get the trust back. Though my situation is far different from yours, I know this….you don’t get trust back overnight.
Mark my words…(hope u keep this in-mind)
i am sure u and your wife is gonna get back together…!
this divorce is a great mistake..! and once both of u cool down and with clear mind… both of u will eventually get back together..!
just don’t know when this gonna happened..
but i am sure both of u still care and got feeling for each other..
u just don’t wants to admit your own feeling,
because of how u had been treated by her in the past, u feel u should hate her,
it’s her bad attitude and harsh words that make u feel she is ugly and hateful. u can’t find her sweetness anymore..
and because of her monster way.. that’s what make krystka more beautiful…(u compare them) in fact krystka just behave as normal as a girl falling in love should be.. any girl that fall in love will be as sweet as krystka towards the guy she love.. just nothing special in her..
u long for your freedom and with your feeling for krystka…
u feel don’t wants to have anything to do with your wife after your divorce.. but in actual facts u still can’t bear to leave her alone. u still worried for her..and u can’t bring yourself to reject sex with her..
I am sure u still LoVE her..!
comond… just admit it…okay?
i won’t tell krystka and your wife..
they’re not gonna know how u feel and u still got your right to choose who u wanna spent your life with.. just don’t worry..
ha ha ha..
Actually, I was letting him be caught up in his little EVE world. I assumed he had an internet girlfriend who also played EVE and in my mind it was humorous and harmless. Little did I know that it was a real live ex-girlfriend.
I agree with some of the other answers, no I don’t believe an affair is caused by the non-cheating spouse. However, if the non-cheating spouse has been neglectful in their roles/duties as a caring, supporting and loving spouse, no that’s not a reason either. Couples should sit down and talk about how they are feeling, they need to communicate, get it all out before they decide to do things that can not be taken back, forgiven yes, forgotten, probably no.
Those who act in haste repent in leisure - Do we always think about the consequences of our actions or do we strike first and ask questions later?
Talk to your wife openly and honestly, you might be surprised.
nope your wife is a whore and thinks she is all that because she is lawyer
Why were you having this emotional relationship with Krystka? You should have talked openly with your wife to see if there was anything to do to save your marriage. Good luck for the future.