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One more thing is that one day I was home cleaning and looking for some computer things. A stack of his letters from girls while he was deployed were sitting out in the spare bedroom and I read through a couple of them. Those sounded more truthful with what he had told me - that the girl writing them (the ones I read) was not very attached to him, wrote more like a friend than a lover and he lost interest in her before he returned home. I’m not sure when exactly they stopped writing - I only read a couple and found nothing objectionable in them; there is also no evidence of their continued contact to this day. However, he must have seen them sitting out and saw the room generally disrupted, because that night in a bad mood he asked me if I had read his letters. I lied and said no, and asked "Should I have?" He replied "No, you shouldn’t have." I know those were personal letters, but the fact that he does not want me, his wife, reading them bothers me.

He has taken ex girlfriends numbers out of his phone directory, he is all the time either with me or at work. We talk during the day and he does sweet things for me. In his emails I saw nothing more recent than four and a half months ago — therefore nothing to make me suspect he is being unfaithful. He comes home straight after work, I can call or text him any time. I’ve been in unfaithful relationships in the past with men and boys and I know the signs to look for - I don’t see or feel any here. Yet I can’t get away from this bad feeling — at a time when I was steadily falling for him, whom I’d just met and was loving his daily emails and phone calls, I now have proof that he was at the same time emailing and calling other girls. I know, I know — he married me. But he married me because I was pregnant. And while he is a good provider and a pretty good husband most of the time, I feel depressed and less-than-desirable after this. I feel like I wasn’t his first choice - I ended up being his only option. Maybe they are childish notions of a little girl, but I always dreamed of a man who would fall madly in love with me, sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to happiness. Not marry me so I’d have health coverage for our unborn child conceived unexpectedly three months after meeting.

I know I sound incredibly distrustful and nosy. The truth is while I have not been in but a few relationships, I have been abused and cheated on in the past. I carry those fears into this relationship; while I am working on resolving those issues it feels incredibly hard to trust him, and not to look around. And when I find something like this it hurts so much. What should I do? Try to forget I saw anything? I can’t imagine confronting him - he would get so angry and wouldn’t trust me at all.

Please help… I don’t know what to do.
We did use birth control - it failed.
It was his idea to get married - he suggested it, we talked about it for a short time, and then agreed to it. He proposed and met my family, who like him. They are typical of the "Well you got pregnant you should get married" mind set.

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