Has your spouse cheated and have you patched the marriage but you still hurt from it? Please answer?
My husband and I are having problems. He was caught cheating a couple years ago in the worst sort of way I could have thought of. We have been together for over 8 years and married for less than 2 but 1month after marriage,I found an email trying to meet with another woman and also caught him in our own house groping another woman basically in front of me. All he can ever say is sorry and that I need to forget and get on with life but hurtful things just happen over and over and he doesnt understand why I always feel sad,ashamed of myself and not the same person I used to be and Im always accused of an internet affair nowbecause I am on here or Ebay at night. Is it just me or do other people feel like this who have been cheated on and stayed with the person. Is it wrong for me to keep mentioning how much he hurts me with the way he acts?Please give some genuine answers because I am going to have him read this to let him know what its like to cope with Hopefully Im not the only fool
Its hard to exlain that I do still love him..we have a lot of interests together and we used to have a lot of fun. For me this has really killed the romance part of our relationship which is making me feel lonely.Nowdays when he makes an effort to show interest in me I truely dont know if it is genuine or not so he doesnt understand why I dont jump right at it and go back to the way things were. It is weird being married and feeling lonely at the same time,I just dont know what is "safe" or if he is just playing me for a total fool trying to get my vulnerability back up. I am tired of falling on my face,getting back up only to be pushed down again by him. I really want to believe that he means it wont happen again but why doesnt the letching,flirting and embarassing me ever stop?! This is why I just want to stay home so I dont have to deal with the humiliation of it all anymore and he doesnt get it.He is English and I gave up my whole life in the US to move over here just for him.8yrs
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Tagged with: 8 years • ebay • email • fool • humiliation • internet affair • marriage • nowdays • relationship • romance • vulnerability • whole life
Filed under: Catch A Cheater
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Yes; my spouse cheated. That’s why he’s been my ex for 8 years.
No; you’re not the only fool….so while he continues 2 break your heart and your mind full of suspicion….just remember; You’re not alone.
I have been there. I could not forgive, it was just too much for me. You do not have to forgive him; just do not let him make you feel bad about yourself.
Yes, I’ve been cheated on. And yes, the pain is still there. Although it happened a year ago, I can say that is has very little impact on why we are going after a separation/divorce now.
My husbands ex wife did this and she put the blame all on him! Even if you try and really want it to work it will NEVER be the same. The trust is broken and always always will be. Im sorry
i been cheated on and were seprated i can’t forgive him he’s not asked me it hurt’s too much
It is a very hard thing, it is all about you and if you can get past the feeling and start rebuilding. If you are unble to sit down with him and work through these feelings then you need to seperate. There will be no good if you stay together and you feel this way.
It is especially impossible for women to forget.
You will always bring it up, and you will never forget.
He’s an idiot for asking you to just forget and move on.
Decide to either keep it this way forever or dump him and start over.
Would he except, " I,m sorry and get on with life " if you were the one that cheated on him? I doubt it. He’s a guy that wants to be able to have his cake and eat it to. Naturally he is now accusing you of cheating on the Internet, guys like him try to change things around and make you out to be the bad one. Honey, after awhile, "sorry" isn’t good enough because he’s not sorry or he would not continue hurtful things.
Kick him to the curb and get him out of your life, you deserve better. No one should stay in a marriage where no respect is shown for them. When you love someone, you don’t hurt them.
PS 8 years are not your whole life, your still young, the tragedy would be to waste another 8 years on him. If your willing to be used he will use you. Stand up and be counted, don’t let him drag you down.
(((hugs))) The trust was broken and you’ll never get over it until you know he realizes the hurt he caused you and know he’s genuinely sorry. That being said, your relationship will continue to suffer until you both deal with this. Good luck
Here’s some advice from the Dr. Phil website
"Moving Forward After Infidelity"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/16
"Getting Past An Affair"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/328
"Making Peace with your Past"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/336
Your idea about having him read this is an excellent one!
When I was engaged to my first wife, she cheated on me. As soon as I got on with my life she wanted to come back. So, I forgave her and took her back. Then, after 5 years we had a baby girl which I thought was the greatest thing. 2 years later my wife left me for our babysitter’s son! She divorced me. Once again after 2 years I got my life back on track and she wanted to get back together. I just laughed. We’re both church goers and she told me that the Bible says to forgive. I said "It says I must forgive you, but it doesn’t say I have to trust you!" I declined her offer to get back together. She married the guy she left me for and after 1 year he divorced her! She married some other guy which makes husband #3 before she turned 35! These people (like your husband) have a pattern that just won’t quit. I suggest you get out of your miserable marriage and find yourself a faithful husband or you may just grow old and die without ever having experienced the joy that marriage is meant to be. You don’t desrve to be treated with such disrespect!
I am happy to say that I am s-o-o-o-o grateful that God had other plans for me. After 6 years I remarried and I now know what it’s like to have a faithful and loving wife who would do anything to protect our marriage! Our love is mutual and everyone knows how we feel about each other. Perhaps your unfaithful husband will do you the favor of a lifetime and leave you! It’s very painful to go through but well worth it when you find the right person. Life is too short for you to waste battling your husband’s disrespect for you. Faithful people deserve faithful partners. I’ve never met your husband and I hate him already. I work with people like him and they make me sick. He’s immature and self absorbed. Get rid of him NOW! You’ll thank me later!
I agree with the guy above, faithful people should be with faithful partners.
I hate cheaters, if you’re going to cheat..be single, he is selfish, so selfish that he destroyed your life and happiness just to get himself off. I’ve been there a couple years ago so heres my story:
I caught my ex cheating. He begged me back, he drowned me in gifts, candy, clothes, money etc. He even went as far as telling the other girl off. I ended up taking him back but the trust was no longer there, when he would leave I would always have knots in my stomach the entire day wondering if he was out cheating. I turned into a completley different person. I wasn’t even living a normal life anymore. I was slowly turning into a detective, and thats not how a woman should live. After 3 more months our relationship just fell apart, We broke up. About a year later I found another guy that worships the ground I walk on, we’re 2 faithful people, he’s great and I’m glad I didnt stay in that dreaded relationship..My mother always told me that if a man hurts you (intentionally) Then there will always be more and more hurt..Women these days that have husbands like yourself are being diagnosed with terrible diseases because of all the stress and heartache these men put them through, When I was in my bad relationship I would always get really bad stomach and headaches..If thats you then you need to get out now, I know this is hard, but if I can do it then you can too, you’re marriage is doomed anyway..Find a man that will love you and only you, someone thats man enough to be faithful..And just remember, YOU caught him cheating; if you would’ve never caught him it still would be a secret, he’s not sorry for hurting you, he’s sorry he got caught..And he could still be cheating..
Thats not fair for your man to tell you to "get over it" He cheated, thats like him slicing your skin wide open with a knife then telling you to "get rid of the scar" it’s impossible..Physical scars never go away,neither do emotional ones
Your man is into mind games he is flipping the script on you..I hope there are no kids involved because you two need to separate. Let him be with the trash he’s fooling around with so you can be with a better man and he can do the things he did to you to her..Let him continue his vicious cycle until he gets old and realizes he had the perfect woman..
When you play you pay
hi im sorry that you are having to go through this i thought i would never know of anyone in such a similar situation to my own so I have known my husband for 15 yrs together for that long and married for 6 of those years. at first we were friends for almost a year because he was in the military and was in another state overseas for the first 2 years of our relationship and we saw eachother for a whopping total of about 6 times in 2 yrs. the 2nd yr i felt that he was already doing too much partying and so i did a lot myself and at the end i broke it off right when he arrived home in ca being that i felt unworthy to be with him but fate had a plan for us cause somehow we ran into eachother and started to see we couldn’t be apart. I could only be w/ him if i told on myself the truth of me cheating and knew if he loved me he would forgive and we could start over. well he said it was all in the past then a few months into our new found love he finally confessed to cheating while overseas so i left cause i had moved in w/ him and then we still couldnt stay away from eachother so than in 95 i was pregnant w/ my first child and for all that time until aug. 06 i thought our life was good possibly even perfect except for the fact that he was unable to comfortably and freely show affection and love towards me especially in front of people .anyhow long story short i accepted his coldness and refusals of being intamite w/ me cuz of me hurting him so baddly in the beginning of our relationship but in 04 when some of his coworkers came to my 3rd child bday party there was a woman who was w/her husband and two daughters and she could not take her fixed stupid stare off my husband and me and others noticed this as well and they asked me who is she so i asked my husband are these coworkers also well not the guy but the big girl was and so from that incident i felt she wanted my life and then on that day we finally got the call that we were going to be picking out a lot for our new home to be built and everyone was happy for us except her. so for me it’s been very hard especialy since i lost my little brother 23yrs in jan05 and then I really began to feel alone more than ever and I would dream vividly about the woman and him. I would ask if theres something i need to know and always got no of course not. anyhow he claims that things started w/ her because she was constantly offering him oral favors or would want to hear all about his personal things like me and he finally gave her what she wanted and it started w her asking for a kiss and so it was told to me that he didn’t start anything even the kiss and when he was told by her to follow her in her car he did out of curiousity he claims but i know he knew what she wanted to give him orally so it was that he got so mad at himself he didn’t let her finish he cant remember and said why did i do this why and he came home then they had intercourse at work cause she dropped her pants for him to see and it worked he used no condom and after was so upset and said to her i shouldn’t have let this happen i have a good wife and a happy marriage andtold her it was not going to happen again because he loves his wife me/ well she got mad and then the harrasment came in forms of touching and showing her overweight out of shape but big cellulitous butt to him and continually gave him oral pleasures for some time because he didn’t want to have any sex w/her until the fakeness came from her about doesn’t he have any feelings for her and that she should just tell all the work and me so he’d have sex w/her so anyways the way i found out was because she called my home but said nothing and when i called back got no response and then later a busy tone i told him when he called me asking if i could pick him up from work and he could return a car he borrowed i screamed tell that b too give u a ride and to not call my home so later he finally confessed saying what do you want me to say i said truth because i’m tired of you lying so for 3 and possibly even 4yrs he was having this thing w/ a coworker who also is married and she still hasnt told her husband and when i called her to let her know i knew of her and my husband she first hungup then next said she didn’t know what i was talking about nothing has ever happened w/her and him i gave some details and said that he is probably telling the truth cause all you seem to be doing is lying so now i can say to you that our situation is a little different in that my husband came out and told on himself after i questioned so harshly and i did want a divorce then and there but his tears and fear of losing me and the kids was very real to me he just kept saying please believe me and just give me one chance to prove myself to be good and faithful to you.. I said yes and then about 6weeks later i told him i forgive him so if he wants to let something like what happened happen again than he has to know that no matter how much i love him i just would not be able to go through something of such great pain again.. so do you have children and how many if more than 1 time has your spouse cheated on you.? i have also been constantly mentioning things like i’m not the liar in this marriage or what does it matter what i do i’m honest and have a conscious and would not cheat even after knowing that you did and for such a long time and how could you not have any attraction or feelings of love towards her after letting it go on for 3 yrs even if it was on rare occasions so dont feel too bad k I would like to chat more on this subject cause i need help too
What you husband needs to understand is that it takes time to get past a betrayal like this. It can’t be rushed. There’s no timeline, and it won’t be easy. The first step you both need to take is to see a marriage counselor. Second, both of you need to stop talking about the cheating. I know it sounds nuts, but basically, what you’re doing is picking at a scab that forming over the wound. If you keep picking at it, you’ll only delay the healing of the wound. That’s what you’re doing; delaying the healing of your marriage. Stop bringing it up and let God and time heal your marriage if that’s what you want. Many blessings.
Sounds like he doesn’t love nor respect you.
And if you keep putting up with it he will keep doing it.
It also sounds like he is accusing you to take the heat off of him.
I would either seek marriage counseling or get a divorce.
Don’t you know that you deserve someone that will love and respect you?
If he won’t go to counseling, go yourself.
There is someone out there that will give you the love you need but the longer you stay in this wasted relationship the longer the pain and the longer it takes to find the one for you.
I believe you keep mentioning..How much he has hurt you..because he has never stepped up to the plate to own the hurt and pain he has caused you..Maybe you keep mentioning it to him..because..you want him to reassure you it is never going to happen again..or..maybe it is simply your way of pushing him away and out of your life..in order to protect your heart from being hurt again..
I believe the two of you need to decide..where you want your marriage to go from here..what it is going to take to make it work between the two of you..Why would you be the same person..you once were..when he destroyed everything you ever loved and believed in about him..until there was nothing left to believe in..
Why would you be happy..when hurtful things keep happening over and over again..You may feel the hurt and pain..He needs to step up to the plate and own it..Maybe than you will be able to let go of the hurt and pain..be able to move on in your life with him..i believe you keep bring it up to him because you want him to feel your pain…you want him to own it.
It is not wrong to keep bringing it up.
You need to continue to talk to him about how this affects you, in every way. Sure, for now he may just want to forget about it. But that is because he feels bad, and/or has not been able to address that within himself yet.
He is likely avoiding his feelings of guilt and seeing the effect it has on you. That’s why he’d rather not deal with the problem. But you need to let him know that it will not go away, but only get worse. And if he is unwilling to work through your pain with you, then your marriage will not work out.
You don’t ‘need’ to forgive him, but you do need to get to a place where you can feel the minimum saftey needed otherwise this will only get worse. A marriage cannot survive in that state for long, so you both need to be constantly working on it if there is going to be any hope.
The pain will never go away, but will be less obvious with time if you repair your marriage and work hard together. You both need to decide if you are willing to do that.
Right now, though, he might not be able to see what that really means and requires of him.
Though you were the one wronged, strangely, he is surely having his own issues as well right now. You have to work with him too, because you have to remember that it takes two. You may not yet be aware of what caused him to behave this way, but you surely had some role in that- just as it would be if it were the other way around.
while you may be able to forgive, you will never forget. that is human nature.
i think you need to go for counselling. see someone who doesn’t know either of you therefore has no bias. if he won’t go, you go. you need to sort out your feelings about the situation.
if he has any respect for you, or for himself, he should reconsider his actions. if he doesn’t then you need to decide if you can continue in a relationship when he is still pulling the same sort of crap! your well being takes precedence over your comittment to a man who obviously isn’t taking his comittment seriously.
as for feeling ashamed of yourself, don’t you dare! what have you done to feel ashamed over? nothing by the sound of it.
good luck to you…….i’m really sorry you have to go through this but stay strong! remember stay true to yourself first and foremost.